Sometimes, I have no motivation to put another blog post up. Last time, I did not fight through that motivation and ended up not posting an adventure blog for camping in Maine this summer. It’s been a week since we got back, and I have had no motivation for putting this post up, but I gotta do it ’cause I know all of you are curious about the second  half of the trip. I will be succinct for my own sanity, so sorry if this blog post lacks my usual flavor.

Christmas in Florida went great; we just hung out and did fun things like go swimming and work on the giant NY Times crossword puzzle, and I taught Natalie and Liesel how to play Backgammon. We left and headed for Atlanta after restocking our snacks.

Wild Liesel can be found growing on trees in FL

My family knows how to do charcuterie right.

Liesel and Luna becoming best friends

Atlanta, I swear, was condemned and we missed the memo. I have never been in a city and seen so few people. Nobody was walking around, no cars, the whole place was deserted. So we got creole food (which was delicious) hung out in our AirBnb, and then the next morning saw some street art, went to a science museum, and headed out for Raleigh. The science museum was probably the whole highlight of the trip for me.

Olympic park

Barn Owl (Tyto alba) at the museum. One of my favorite animals

guess the molecule? You can’t-Liesel and I created it at the museum. I suspect it is some kind of precipitate or crystalline material based on our structure.

Raleigh was better than Atlanta, but to be honest, none of these cities really blew my socks off. Unlike the other two who said they wouldn’t mind moving to Raleigh. I met up with Alex who I had met once before, and our mutual friend is Jake, who was very surprised when we sent him the selfie featured below. He hung out with us for the day and we all had a very good time. Note to self-honey makes a better “thank you for letting us stay at your house” gift than coconut rum.

The start of the day!

Another of my highlights for the trip was talking to a woman who owned the Raleigh Grind and set up her coffee stand in the middle of the flea market we went to. She was so sweet and had a really cool story and was actually a christian!

Saw this band and boy do I want this fancy jimbe now!

And then finally it was time for NYC, my home away from home away from home I guess. Not only did I drive through Manhattan (for the first time, mind you), but I also left-handed parallel parked in front of my sister’s apartment in Queens, this being the second time I’ve ever PP. I am so freakin proud, I’ve included a picture of it. We did so many things I lost count, but pizza, bagels, and a show were of course included in the itinerary. It was such bad weather out in New York of course, the one city where we were constantly outside walking. At night we went to see Fiddler on the Roof, or A Fidler Afn Dakh, since the whole show was in Yiddish. They were such good sports about seeing this with me, since of course I was the one who suggested it. Huge thanks to my sister who helped me get on the subway into Manhattan and let us stay at her place. NYC doesn’t wow me, since I grew up going there so often, so I didn’t think to take so many pictures.

Grand Central

Took the subway from Manhattan to Queens at night successfully.

So now a couple life updates?

1. I am now in my last semester of college about to graduate with a B.S. in Environmental Science. I have some fun classes for this last stretch.
2. I just had my EDGE interview yesterday, and I should know which college campus they will place me (assuming I get the job) around early April, so stay tuned for that.
3. I am on track to get my brown belt in Jukado a little after I graduate. If I am able to pass my brown stripe test in April and then the brown belt test in July, I will have my belt ceremony sometime that month which everybody is invited to (and I hope you come to, since this is a really big deal for me and I’ve put SO much work to get this far). Please pray for my arms-I am doing so many pushups.
4. I have taken up soap carving as a new hobby, and am loving it despite it being harder than I thought. If you would like some hand-carved soap, let me know! I can only have so much for myself!

I think that’s about it, you’re all caught up. I will be working 40 hours over the next  week and a half, so pray for me at ol’ Hanny’s, that my brain won’t fry to bits in the monotony of the job. I’m really close to being done there (I told them my last day will be sometime in April), and am just ready for it to be over. Hope you are staying warm, getting crafty, and that your arms don’t hurt as much as mine this winter 😉.

~J

“She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.”-Proverbs 31:17

We made it! We made it all the way to Florida with only one close call in New York where we almost splatted Natalie. It took us 28 hours, but after 14 states down the east coast we rolled into Tampa, FL at 3:00 in the morning. To become better women, as they put it, Natalie and Liesel held their pee until they started sweating and didn’t happen to tell me (the driver) until we almost had us an accident. I am a champion camel as well as a very good strategic dehydrator, and they tried to get on my level. It is not a good idea to do that unless you’ve had as much training as I had. On Saturday night we made it to C.P.’s in-laws house (which, oddly enough, I have been to before on our way to Tennessee) and they let us stay the night there. In the morning, we went to church and hit the road. We ate a lot of snacks, had many a deep conversation, and took turns sleeping in my backseat.

It was December of last year where Natalie and I conceived a cross-country trip, but nobody has enough time for that. So we thought about a “down-country” trip instead, and the rest was history. Follow through is one of the most important qualities of life.

I think my friends are getting accustomed to my family (the first of my friends since I came to college to actually meet my family) and we’re eating a lot of good food. I’m very excited for them to open their Christmas presents-I’ve knocked it out of the park this year for them. Please keep praying for our safety on the way up (we still need a place to sleep on the night of the 27th in Raleigh!) and that everybody in my house doesn’t end up killing each other at least by tomorrow.

I’ll have way more things to talk about in part 2, as we will be stopping in Atlanta, Raleigh, and NYC and doing some sightseeing and such. Merry Christmas y’all, and I hope you’re having a quieter one than I am.

~J

Liesel eating a pepper on our way down

My favorite type of clouds (altocumulus) in PA

Natalie got a salad at Cracker Barrel-can you believe that?

I taught them how to play Backgammon

Liesel is in season down here in FL. Just go up to a tree and find her growing!

P.S. One little rant before I wrap things up-a lot of people are still hunting around this time as I believe deer season is still open in some states. In Colorado, I met a lot of people who like to hunt for sport, and most do eat the animal. It is a legitimate hobby, people hunt with their families (yes, even girls do!) and I laugh at people saying they’ll “unfriend” people if they see hunting pictures on their timeline. I don’t condone killing animals like bears or other top predators of the sort by any means, nor have I hunted myself (I would like to someday), but don’t be judge-y about what people like to do in their free time. One could also say, pun intended, buck up. That’s just my opinion, you can have a different one, and I hope you get exactly what you’ve been wanting for Christmas, whether it’s a new gun or a comic book.

Oh, having fun-I’m really abysmal at it. Not for a lack of trying, but because of a terribly ruthless inner critic that tells me that having fun is unproductive. Do you ever feel that way? I think she kicked in right around when I started college; I would like to blame structured education for the immense pressure that I put on myself, because that would mean once I graduate (in 161 days, but whose counting?), that pressure would disappear and I would be free to just be me. However, I’m very afraid it won’t just magically go away once I have a degree, but that the works based mindset will continue into my professional life. It’s pretty hard to see yourself as anything else but a number when all your worth is based on how you perform in school from age 5-22. It is one of my biggest fears stepping into this new season of not being a student anymore.

However, I got a quick break from my Atlas-heavy load on Thursday and Friday nights this past weekend. After work on Thursday, my babysitting gig got cancelled, and I was left with a decision (I should also mention I’ve been terribly indecisive these past few weeks, a trait unlike me). I could either go to a double class at the dojo, or hang out with my friend Cristin. I’ve been pretty good this semester at going to the dojo at least once a week, and that double class on Thursdays is just icing on the cake after doing one on Monday nights as well. Plus, I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, so an intense workout with Renshi John followed by God knows what else in the second class was not seeming so appealing. So I decided to hang out with my girl Cristin, and after grabbing dinner from the crack, I headed up to her room. While we ate she relayed to me one of the funniest medical misfortunes that I have ever hear that happened to her a while ago, and I tell you, tears were streaming down my face from laughing so hard. I won’t tell you what it was, but here’s a picture of her reenacting it.

After I collected myself, we watched Pixar shorts, Encore (an absolutely fantastic show about reuniting high school theater productions and putting on the show again with the cast 30 years later-I highly recommend it), and 10 Things I Hate About You all on Disney+. It was such fun having down time and Cristin and I haven’t hung out in a very long time.

So what I did on Friday night requires a little backstory, and is really nerdy, so take off your judging hats. Last year in the second semester, Jake and I were recalling how unoriginal the new Pokemon designs are. So after about a month, we had a whole game, generation designs in the works, and a possible play through on our hands. So that May we did it, and it was an absolute riot. And not to mention, Jake, all on his own-

1. Designed, illustrated, and implemented all the new Pokemon
2. Came up with a plot for the game
3. Did stat and math calculations, and other things in real time so we could actually battle and stuff like that

We helped him design some of the Pokemon, but 99% of the credit goes to him for bringing them to life. So we decided to do a second generation this year. Kate so graciously fed us dinner, and we set up shop next to her TV ready to go. Our Pokedex is now up to 90-something completely original Pokemon. I designed the evee-lution and came up with a couple of the others. Most famously, the Pokemon, Squimp, was conceived during a boring BSO meeting and scribbled on a post it while they were talking and me and Jake were giggling about it. The story this time around was even better, the Pokemon more surprising, and overall it was an amazing time. Down below you can see our teams from the combined playthroughs and Jakes amazing artwork in them. We played from 7pm to 2am.

The crew!

Our game packets (again that Jake made all himself)

My beautiful team!

Denver’s stacked team

The garden of Carl-kind (an inside joke I cannot even begin to unravel) as he mainly chooses grass types

The bad guys team!

DM Jake

We always joke about our “Bud Knights”, but I always forget constantly how important they are. The term comes from that stupid Bud Light Super Bowl commercial 2 years ago. Jake went home from the party we were at and actually sketched it in its full armor. Henceforth, a Bud Knight is creating or doing something you love that will please you primarily and others as well. It’s just something you would do that would bring you unique happiness. We have several benched right now, like a radio show about regrettably hilarious and useless superheroes that I still very much want to create. Creating this game was way above the standard amount of work one would put into a Bud Knight.

I used to paint in my free time. I used to play piano whenever I got the chance. I used to sketch and read and write all the time, but now I don’t. This is all extra hilarious when you consider that creativity is one of my 3 core values. It’s not that I don’t want to have fun anymore, but that I feel like I have forgotten how, amongst these tangled vines of pressure and lies that choke the lighthearted spirit right out of me. Don’t forget about your Bud Knights, friends. They are so important even though they may seem silly.

~J

“Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” -Luke 18:17

Why would anybody take a vacation to South Dakota, you ask?

Well, a lot of reasons! But after two long years, it was time to see my good friend Bailey. Bailey and I met in 2017 at Wind River Ranch. And there’s really not much that could bring a farm girl from Minnesota and a city girl from New York together other than Jesus. We became close that summer, and had many a late night talk in the laundry room of girl’s housing or Bailey’s room which was dubbed “counseling services”. It was so called because if someone ever had a problem, they could just knock and employ Denise, Liz, or Bailey to participate in such counseling services. Bailey also humorously reminded me that the name was so called as she employed many of those services herself!

So it was about time I saw her again. 2 years is just too gosh darn long to wait. So I booked a flight back in August, and come Halloween, it was time for me to go.

I wish I could say I finally had a stress free flight pattern for once in my life, and I’ve recounted enough on this blog for you guys to be informed of how much bad luck I have whilst traveling.  Alas, this time was no different. As soon as my connecting flight landed in Chicago, my flight to SD was cancelled due to weather and not rescheduled until the next morning. Heck no! So I stood on the customer service line for an hour, and luckily got my flight switched to fly into Sioux Falls at the same time instead of Watertown-the last flight, I believe, into SD for Thursday. Whew! What a close one!

To kick off my time, Bailey introduced me to her Equip friends at a pumpkin painting party. Equip is a lot like Navs, but they are WAY better at doing community building stuff and just hanging out with each other than we’ll ever be.

Bailey and I upon my arrival.

Abe did an insanely intricate and detailed painting of a pumpkin field on his pumpkin-he totally won the night in my eyes!

Amos somehow got a hand drill and decided to carve his pumpkin by tattooing it instead!

My creation

On Friday, once we were free of the kids Bailey watches as part of her daycare business, it was time for fun! The plans for the night was the First Chance Bonanza rodeo of Brookings, then out to the edge of town for swing dancing, both of which with some of the Equip friends. Swing dancing was such a blast! I wish so bad it could become popular in Maine. It’s not a party scene, not a hookup scene-kids just gather and classily dance with each other in a barn! How mind boggling! I was truly afraid no one would ask me to dance. Even the Mennonites were dancing, and I would have been so embarrassed if no one asked. Thankfully, some of those South Dakota men came to my rescue! Thank you boys.💙 After dancing it was time for ice cream at the boys house, which was made at SDSU (the local college) because they have their own dairy. We can’t even get USM to put doors on all the toilet stalls, and this school has a dairy!

Bailey and Amanda at the rodeo

The arena

Calf roping-the cowboy has to rope the calf from his horse, pick it up, tie its legs together on the ground

Steer wrestling-the cowboy has to jump off a horse and grab the steer by the horns and pin him the fastest tome

Have to take your first steps somewhere.

That’s not too bad-check out those boots!

Oh dear…

Saturday we drove to Bailey’s family farm in Minnesota and hung out with her family. Man, would it be awesome to grow up in a place like that. I LOVED her parents accents-literal minnesotan 100%. They were so friendly. Before dinner, we practiced roping (at which I am pretty abysmal) and some of her other family came by. After telling her grandma and aunt that I would like to be a park ranger, her grandma said I should be a sports announcer for how fast I talked. I laughed because I had wondered when someone would bring that up to me!!! Also, I got to leave with some real Midwestern strawberry jelly which had been canned two years prior-can’t wait to try it!

Bailey’s dad’s man cave-a true, bonafide, man cave

Casual tractoring

The Johnson family’s childhood horse, Silky

On Sunday, we went to church and out to eat at Culver’s, which I hadn’t had since we came back from the Cheyenne rodeo while I was still on staff at Wind River. Culver’s is another thing I wish we could bring east. It was great hanging out with the group one more time, and it was sad to say goodbye, even though I had just met them. Katie and I joked when she was driving me back to the airport today that I could send everybody seafood as a treat with my tax return, since they so rarely, if ever, eat seafood, whereas in Maine it’s so common and easy to get. Then it was bible study Sunday night, and then it was time to leave Monday morning.

Some of the Equip lunch crew at Culvers minus Abe and Adam-Abe rides his bike everywhere so he came a little later! I appreciate your eco-friendliness Abe!

So now I sit in the Chicago airport as the sun sets, reflecting on my first time in the Midwest. Everything is so different. Bailey kept telling me all weekend, “slow down, just rest, etc.” It really is their culture not to rush and to just be with people. Even though I don’t drink it, I feel like I constantly have coffee running through my veins. Something must be done, I have to be doing something, or else I am being unproductive and useless. This weekend was a nice getaway from that, and I saw that people really can live without rushing into the ground. Bailey fed me and did all the dishes, which was a welcome change since usually I’m the one in her shoes. Three meals a day, I might add, which I am by no means used to eating. Usually it will be around 1.5-2 meals a day, so all this eating was a YOLO thing for me. I am boarding my plane, which is Portland bound, refreshed a little and excited to jump back in.

Anyone I met this weekend (including you, Bailey, even though I know your scared of flying) is always welcome in the Northeast and I will personally show you around. Maybe someday I’ll be able to see all the states in the U.S. and experience even more cultures. Or maybe just hop back on a plane to Brookings and see my good friend again.

~J

“When you see someone putting on their big boots, you can be pretty sure an adventure is coming soon.”

Goodbye Eagle Island, hello senior year!

It has been so long, but man did life get crazy. I had an adventure post planned for mid-August about camping in the Maine woods this summer that I unfortunately had to trash since I couldn’t get it written in time. Sorry, Liesel:/

I am back for my senior year at USM with a steely-eyed, fiery reserve, and although I came in half-dead of exhaustion, I came in swinging. We had a great fall launch for Navs, and we’re getting lots of new people every week that hopefully will stay and get planted. Please keep praying for all of us, though. We are so short staffed, and we are just about as stretched thin as we can get, both in terms of actual staff and student leaders. Yikes!

This Friday night a bunch of us got together to celebrate MJ’s birthday which was oodles of fun. Y’all know how much I love that girl! Jordyn came back to campus with me and we had a wonderful time of talking and writing and dreaming. The last time we did this intentionally, I was a freshman and she was a senior and we were in her room on campus. Now, 3 years later, it was weird to reflect on how old we all are. We stayed up until midnight.

The surprise party!

But there was no time for lazily sleeping in, as there was fun to be had today! Emma, Jasmine, Jules, and myself (Wednesday night bible study) went to the Cumberland Fair today. Gosh, I love Maine so much. I never grew up going to county fairs or spending time in the outdoors. I always tell people who grew up in Maine how blessed they are. We saw and petted animals, ate carnival food and drank scrumptious lemonade, saw Emma’s artwork which was on display there, and went on rides. There were many laughs had on the ferris wheel.

Jules and I

Emma is afraid of heights, but I was so proud of how brave she was in coming on the ferris wheel with us!

Emma and I went on the swings later. Check FB for those hilarities.

And so after a long day at the carnival, you would normally go home and crash, right? NOPE. It was time for the very first Supper Club, an idea born not out of necessity but of kindness. I am so lucky to be in an apartment-style room this year where I can cook my own food. It has been a long 3 years of eating pink chicken, soggy vegetables, and underwhelming pasta in the school cafeteria. I knew before I even started this year that once I was settled into my apartment, I wanted to invite girls on campus to come to my room and eat a meal. One night where they don’t have to worry about eating gross Caf food, get out of their dorms, and relax. I figured I could give up eating out once a month in place of buying groceries to feed these underclassmen girls.

So that’s what I did. We made roasted chicken, green beans like my mom makes, and Pao de Quejo (Brazilian cheese buns, a favorite of mine and the group tonight!) I said, “I’m just here to get the people and to feed the people!” This first time, we did it in Kate’s room since she has a better kitchen then I do. Oh, and we almost set the room on fire and I was terrified the first Supper Club would end in smoke and flames and nobody would ever come back for fear of mass evacuation of Upperclass Hall due to the smoke alarms going off. But it all ended up being fine.

I would like, however, to bring it to MY home. I wish I could say someone did this for me when I was an underclassman. An older girl on campus whom I could’ve looked up to with stars in my eyes. Oh, to hear something like, “Friend, take your shoes off, and lay your burdens down here.” would fill me as much as eating food that was prepared for the sake of the gospel. But not doing this for others because nobody did it for me is a lame and weak excuse. I’ve been mulling over the verse in Matthew 25 that says,

“Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these-my brothers or sisters-you did it to me.”

This is an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think I have any right to share the gospel in people’s lives without being their friend first. There is absolutely a place for evangelizing to strangers. However, take all these girls that I’ve invited to Supper Club. Why should they come to Navs? Why should they trust anything I say about changing their lives for Jesus until I’ve shown that I care about who they are!? I love every one of them, ’cause Jesus loved them first and will always love them more.

I wanted to get better pictures, but I was too busy cooking.

I am working hard on trusting people to God, and accepting the fact that I can’t save them. I am a class-A Control Freak. And I can’t even grow the seed. It is ONLY God who draws His children to Him. Not me. I am just the cook who is offering a dorm-cooked meal to some girls once a month. It’s hard, though. I care so much. I care so much I wish I could tear my heart out of my body sometimes.

Alas, it is all in His hands. All I can do is turn my hands over and say, “God, it’s yours.”

I always have and will continue this school year to challenge y’all to be selfless for those you care about, whatever it looks like for you in your life and no matter the cost. My old boss Aaron would always say, “Whatever it takes.” Whatever it takes, indeed, to bring change where I am planted. To see Heaven swing low on a campus, a place considered forsaken by so many.

~J

PS. How about a bonus poem about the dog days of my summer?? Titled, “Halfway Rock”

Halfway rock seems like a dream in the distance on the horizon

Such a ways to travel, 

But oh, couldn’t you just imagine how worth it

it would be?

The best way to make an island feel like a prison is to

look up and see the unknown calling as the waves crash onto the ledge below

and remind me how heavy the responsibility that I wear is. 

I’m not usually one to go jumping off bastions

or chasing lighthouses on the horizon, 

but when something looks so just-in-reach

it makes me want to go!

And I am also not usually one to envy the rich, 

for I know they are poor in sprit, 

But standing and waiting, I wish I could be as free as they are-

They go wherever they want for the green in their wallet.

And I am left here

looking into the fog that burns off faraway to Halfway Rock-

Only a sea-salt longing, and only a dream. 

It’s been another one of those weekends-the weekends that are go go GO because I only have 2 days and I HAVE to live every second up, because working on an island this summer has taken up a lot more of my time than I thought it would.

So in one week there are 168 hours. Subtract 40 hours for official work time. That leaves 128 hours. Then subtract another 15 hours for my total commute time in one week-113. Then let us say that I get minimum 8 hours of sleep for a total of 40 hours sleeping, which brings us down to 73 hours. Then miscellaneous adult activities and other things that I do not consider as fun free time things such as my grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, babysitting Willow, cleaning, etc. probably total about another 30 hours or so. Which leaves 43 hours as “unaccounted” time for doing summer things. If I was in school right now, that number would probably be closer to 20 or so due to all the responsibilities I hold in Navs that takes up a lot of that time.

So in 43 hours, fit all the things you would like to do in 3 months. And I’m probably exaggerating, but time is precious, and when you only have 25.6% of a week to live your life, you have to make it count, I guess.

On Friday, there was a party feel to the workday as that night after work, this year’s Eagle Island staff (myself, Chloe, and Owen the park manager) were going to have a campout along with last year’s rangers, Kaylin and John. We drove the boat to Jewel Island and beached it, and then walked around the beautiful island and to an old WWII submarine tower which was equal parts terrifying and awesome.

Chloe in a bucket hat and Owen testing out the Safari Hat of Shame (reserved for the first person to fall into the water this summer)

Leaving Eagle behind!

Chloe, Owen, Kaylin and Piper, and John on the rocky beach of Jewel.

Sunset on Jewel

It was already sunset when we left, and we returned to the island to commence our feast of lobster, chicken, corn, potatoes, and varying kinds of chocolate things (as Owen has quite the sweet tooth). It was quite an edition of ratchet kitchen, that’s for sure. We had no salt, pepper, or seasoning of any kind, which was a huge mistake on my part. It was also my first time trying lobster. I tried it, found I could swallow it, but was not a big enough fan to eat the rest. And when they started getting around the poop filled part of it, I called it a night on eating seafood. We then played a snack snap pea eating contest of my own invention, as Chloe and I are big fans of these and have been eating them all summer. Fabulous prizes were involved, and then around 2:00 in the morning, we decided it was probably time for bed.

The aftermath…

The Feast!

Freshly caught dinner

This is what Chloe and I have been eating for most of the summer. I think we are 73% snap pea right now.

The next morning we drove the boat to Chebeauge Island and got coffee and muffins! It was such a cute place that I can only dream of going back to one day. It’s a shame that you basically have to be rich to spend any time there-a sad thought for someone who knows that she will for sure never be rich. We then hopped it back over to Dolphin Marina, and I started my hour and a half ride down to Biddeford to meet up with Molly and Justin to practice for her show at Roots that night. That car ride felt like nothing, let me tell you. I was actually even looking forward to some alone time with my music. Guess I’ll have to wait until the drive up to Nahmankanta Lake in a few weeks for my camping excursion (more on that to come).

Practice flew by, and once Molly and I figured out a mystery chord on one of her songs  that stumped the heck out of us, there were no mishaps. Another well done show by Molly, of course. My highlight was probably playing piano on “Your Love Revives”, which is one of my favorites by her. It was also my debut of the violin-the first time I have ever played in public.

I don’t know what my face is doing in this pic. Am I excited? Nervous? Surprised?

Look at these lovely ladies!

Not only was it my debut on a few instruments, but Justin’s on keys as well! Shucks to everyone who missed this show!

After we went out to Sea Dog, I hoofed it back to Gorham and spent the night with Kate. Oh, this girl always keeps me on my toes, and that’s all I can say to describe her in an adequate but succinct enough way. We went to church in the morning, and then I made my way to Liesel and Beth’s apartment (which is getting cuter every time I see it). Liesel and I drove down to Crescent Beach, and almost as soon as we got there, it started to rain. But we were NOT budging, and the clouds finally passed and it was nothing but sunshine afterwords. We read poetry and ate rain-soaked chips. After Thai food and ice cream, I drove back to Lisbon, my back seat a mess of bags and things after a weekend such as this one, reflecting on how Liesel is such a good friend to me. She is one of those where I wonder, “What did I do to deserve to have someone like her come so unexpectedly into my life!?” I love how I’ve never met anyone like her before, and how real yet mellow of a person she is. Plus, she has an awesome name. I wonder if she would be mad if I named a girl if I had one after her. Liesel, if you’re reading this, comment and let me know, ’cause I might put it on the list.

Ugh, this girl is so beautiful inside and out!

And this is where it should end, because I have work tomorrow and buckets of laundry to do. But the night wasn’t over yet. I talked on the phone for 3 more hours with my friend Bailey from South Dakota. Among many encouraging things (for her and also me) that I got to share with her, we talked serious about plans for me to visit her in the fall. We found a date, made a plan, and on Halloween I will be flying out for 3 days to Brookings to see a friend I have not seen in 2 long years!

This is really the best way to describe what Bailey and I talked about.

After all that, it was time to conk out. I hope you all have been getting to experience excitement over a longer, more relaxed period of time instead of like me, cramming it into one weekend. I would not necessarily recommend this craziness. But hey, that’s my life I guess.

Not to end on a sad note, but please, if you have just a minute sometime, send a prayer up for me as I am lonely here in Lisbon. Weekends such as these are amazing, but can leave me craving more. I miss going to church, I feel abandoned by some friends (something I am really trying to work through with Jesus, who should be the only one who satisfies me), and although yes I am living with the woman who was once my mentor, I have never felt more alone then here in her house, fitting myself into a family where I know I will never belong. We can pretend all we want to, and put on a face for the guests that come, but I still feel that I am an intrusion that lives in the upstairs attic. A college girl with whom no one knows what to do with. All of this brings up questions like, “Do I fit myself into places I don’t belong, or am I being super duper deceived by the enemy right now?” I guess I will need a serious heart change to answer.

~J

I am not really sure what my leaping off point for this post is, so I guess I’ll just start talking.

Part of my job is to operate a 13-foot motorboat, pick people up from their moored boats and bring them to the island. It’s a very old, dinged, and tippy boat, as you’re only maybe a foot or so above the water in it. The bow tips up when you go fast, so whoever is operating it has to stand holding the port side line and control the tiller at the same time to be able to actually see, doing what I call a George Washington. It looks both awesome and hilarious.

I see no difference…

If the seas are too rough or it’s way too windy, we can’t run the launch service because it would be dangerous. But unexpectedly, even when calm, wakes from huge boats that go super fast by the island can come up and tip my small little vessel every which way. Wakes can travel for miles, even though they look like they fade right into the water. And recently, a lot of big wakes have been hitting my small boat.

The boats that make these wakes really must cost a disgusting amount of money, but even smaller boats going really fast can make bad ones as well. I have found that these rich boat people really do like to show off, which is why they come cruising by but never stop. They think they impress people with their boats, but I have seen things so much better. I have seen the sun rise from complete darkness after hiking an 11,000 foot mountain at 2.00am, and while we were up there saw some bighorn sheep to boot. I have seen and helped teach such tender, joyful, and inquisitive spirits in the Ugandan children I got to meet while helping run their summer camp. I have seen horses roll onto their backs and run and gallop and kick around in complete freedom after being let out after a long day’s work. All of these things are so much richer and impress me so much more than a big boat ever could.

They don’t know that their boat’s wake will hit me-how could they possibly know every thing that wake will hit? But aren’t we the same as we walk through life? The consequences of each of our actions, whether good or bad, travel miles and miles and hit many different people and things. I have felt big wakes hit me, both in the boat and in my heart. Sometimes it hurts bad intersecting with people cruising through their lives, because we are all making sacrifices to get to where we are going. The boat cannot help but leave a wake because it has to move to get to its destination. Are you starting to see the parallel? We cannot leave no wake, because if so, we would never get anywhere. But the bigger your dreams are and the faster you want to move towards it, the more sacrifice it takes. And sacrifices leave a ripple effect.

I try to be intentional about the sacrifices I choose to make, and the wake I leave behind. Do I blow a good friend off because I am really tired, or feel like I have an already full plate? Do I tell someone I cannot handle their problems? Do I use people for what they can do for me? These things leave behind some pretty rotten wakes for those behind me to feel. The ripple effect is a bad one, no matter what your intentions may be.

As I have been chewing on all this, I wrote a poem. I’ve mentioned before that I am a 6 on the enneagram, and I really feel the feels deeply on this. As you read, ask yourself-Is there a limit to the love I give to others? Or do I die to myself as Christ did as my example?

“As Much As I Love You…”

We all make sacrifices-

I used to think our dreams were free, 

but now I realize how wrong that was.

Chasing after desire has a cost

And I didn’t know I had to pay the ferryman to walk through this life. 

When they call your name and your dream is staring into your eyes, what will you use to pay for it? 

Money? Time? Sleep? 

Or will you part with friendship to pay the boatman?

to have a child, record an album, or go on mission?

When you look back behind your wake, when your dreams have been achieved and all the hours proved fruitful, what will you see?

A trail of lost longing glances to those whom you said goodbye to, the ones who thought some roots went deeper than they actually did?

What a raw deal for those of us who refuse to pay in people, to use a kinship as currency to get ahead-

no, I would rather be broke, exhausted, and out of time.

I threw out my earthly dreams a long time ago in favor of taking as many people to Heaven with me as possible,

but I don’t resent those who are still chasing,

and because I have yet to reach 77x,

I choose to forgive. 

I do not blame anybody for chasing their paths. I cannot blame anyone for living their lives, as we all have a life to live, so you better live it! I only encourage to keep in mind those who are on that path with you, in front of you, and behind you-not sacrificing your people to get just a little farther ahead, get a little more sleep, or save a little more money. It’s not worth it. The ripple effect may be bigger than you could ever know.

~J

“Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly.”-Micah 6:8

A warm summer greeting! The days of extra sunshine and lightning bugs are upon us at last! It is just starting to get warm here as I take in the first few weeks of my first summer in Maine. I’m liking it so far, but I do wish that it would be less rainy. It’s no fun working on an island in the rain.

Speaking of Eagle Island, the job is going well! So far, it’s been a lot of manual labor-moving things to our dump pile, mowing the lawns, etc. just to get the island up and running. Well, we’re open, and there’s literally nothing left for me to destroy/move and put in the dump pile. I sledgehammered and demolished not one, but two outhouses since I started work and let me tell you, it’s not as easy as it sounds! But I’m loving every minute, even though I come home bruised, smelling like seaweed, and itchy from a brown-tailed moth rash almost every day. Haley has been gone the whole month and will not be back until it is time for Rachel’s wedding (which I’m the videographer for) It’s been good, ’cause I have gotten time to figure out the nuances of her house without looking like an idiot in front of her. But come home soon, Haley! I miss you tons!

The north face of the island. 

That’s really all the updates I have for now, so story time…

This took place earlier in the season of my second summer at the ranch in 2018. I can’t really remember, but it might have been week two or three or somewhere close to that. Everything was winding down for the night. Guests were going to bed, and a bunch of girls started wandering into the kitchen. The ranch kitchen was a fun place to be when it was all cleaned up for the night. The industrial oven was quiet, and all the dry goods and spices were perched on the long shelving, silent, and listening to all the chatter after a long day. At first it was only two or three girls, but as more started wandering in, it ended up being around eight or nine total. I think we even chased a boy or two out because this conversation was slowly transforming into girl talk. And as we talked and with every new girl that came in, the topic turned to boys (as it usually does), and it was revealed that every girl had a man in her life who she was worried about and/or praying for that they would come to faith or deeper relationship with Jesus, whether that was a father, brother, crush, or friend.

I told them about a friend of mine.

One by one, the stories unfolded. Such stories of grief and hurt they were, so I suggested we pray. For each man mentioned that night, and that we could pray for the person to our left’s guy. Then Mo suggested we do fiesta prayer as well (that crazy bold Texas girl that she was!) and if you’ve never experienced that before, it’s pretty wild and sounds a little kooky. Everybody prayed, out loud and at the same time for the man that the person to their left mentioned. It sounded powerful. All right there in the ranch kitchen, completely by happenstance. This moment has really stuck with me as a humble yet bold experience we all had.

If that kitchen was the temple of Jerusalem and I am Anna, then boy, did I stop praying too soon. She prayed for eighty years or something like that. We prayed for their futures, of course, but all the memories burned hanging off my tongue screamed of the past. They begged to be heard that night as we talked, but it was not the time for grave robbing because these were prayers of hopeful futures.

This is of my friend Michaela when we were out West in Utah. In this picture, she wasn’t praying, although it looks quite a lot like it. She’s actually laughing. And sometimes those are the same thing…

I wonder when guys get together if they are praying for us. If they have the women in their lives on their minds for prayer like we do for them all the time. I wrote a line of poetry that goes-“God says I am treasured, but if that’s true, then the only name I’ve known for his sons is pirate.” Yet in that temple of a kitchen, we didn’t pray for healing for our pasts. We did’t pray that our broken hearts would be mended. We prayed that the men in our lives would be better and go in search of God.

I can’t tell you how I know prayer works for sure. I don’t know what has happened to all those dudes we prayed for, whether they have come to love God or are still far. Prayer isn’t something anyone can know in their brains for sure. It takes faith to believe that when you pray, your words are actually going somewhere. I laugh as I write about faith, though, as my friend Jake puzzles at the word. He doesn’t yet grasp the big, open contradiction that it is to put stock into something that cannot be proven. He would rather know about faith in his brain, but it goes beyond that into your soul, to say the least. All I can tell you is that I know prayer works, even if God doesn’t answer all my prayers how I think He will. I’ve seen it time and time again, and I really should start keeping a list so I can be reminded of His faithfulness.

These are my good friends and I praying after we all got baptized in a hotel pool in Kansas City in 2016. 

Us girls are hurting as we get on our knees every night and cry, plead, beg, pray, whatever, for men to grow into gentlemen, leaders, and lovers. But we do it anyway, and I am working on putting the past behind me-I hope you guys are doing the same.

~J

“Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness-take it to the Lord in prayer. Are we weak and heavy-laden? Cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge—take it to the Lord in prayer.”

My eyes are starting to swell up with tiredness as I sit down and try to start to sum up this weekend. But all for a good reason as the past 3 days have been party, party, and more party for Grant and Katie’s wedding! It’s been fun in the south, but adios mios it is too hot and I am looking forward to get my butt back to Maine tomorrow. I have to move into Haley’s house and unpack and get ready all on Monday because I start work at Eagle Island on Tuesday, May 28th, which also happens to be my 21st birthday!

And no, for all you wondering, I will not be going crazy because I don’t drink. I know y’all are disappointed, as I too am very curious as to what drunk Jenna would be like. Alas, let me quickly quote Marina Ambramovic as to one of the reasons I do not drink alcohol-“The things I see and think in the normal course of my life are strange enough without clouding my mind.” I am weird enough as it is.

Anyway, lets get back to the wedding weekend! I flew into Houston Friday night and started the Sweat as Keens and Cheryl picked me up after being stuck in nightmarish traffic. It was late when we finally got to Liz L.’s house, but I got to meet her parents and say hi to everybody else who was staying at her house. It was the almost the same crew from Liz H.’s wedding. Coincidence? I think not. I think this group is some combination of free-schedule enough and loyal enough to travel for a wedding, as Katie invited many ranch friends, but only about a third came. I can’t help but be reminded of the parable in Luke 14 where a man has prepared a great banquet for all his friends, but at the last minute all of them make ridiculous excuses and don’t come, so the man goes out and invites all those on the country roads and in the alleys of the town and the other people missed out on a fantastic and splendid party. No shade to those who didn’t go, though. I know travel is hard.

I think their venue is everybody’s dream. A beautiful ranch with a house with an interior that made my jaw drop. Although it was broiling hot and I got my nice Sweat going again, the ceremony was beautiful and the reception was great. Grant and Katie were a beautiful couple. They are perfect for each other. I was SO blessed that Katie was my roommate my first year at Wind River. Her brother put it really well in his toast when he said that the devil should be scared of this couple, because there is NOTHING that can stand in the way of these people in Christ now joined together to form one kick-butt-eat-tacos-while-they-do-it team!

Alright, my people from the North, you’re never going to believe this. Towards the end, all the people started chanting and dancing to college football fight songs and we waved the bride and groom’s limo off with Texas A&M washcloths! It was like, a huge part of the wedding. Talk about a culture, am I right? Willy had a hilarious and yet poignant idea that I should write a Romeo and Juliet-Esq story about a couple from Auburn and Alabama (roll tide) who are apparently bitter rivals. I don’t know, I was just trying to keep it all straight about who hates who.

The beautiful venue

Apologies for not having more pictures, but I’m really working on being in the moment, especially with my ranch friends (plus, I think it’s terribly rude to be on your phone when you’re out in public with friends anyway). You see, for two years, I interacted with these people exclusively with a camera attached to me because I was the ranch videographer. And that’s alright, because I loved getting extremely embarrassing photos of Liz L. all the time. But it’s no way to go deeper with people, always focused on my job getting this shot or worrying about the light going. So as we all reconnect outside of the ranch, I now re-learn how to be friends. But it’s also challenging, because I don’t really know how that works when a huge chunk of my identity and how they see me is missing. As I mused all this, I had quite the bout of social anxiety in the car on our way to the wedding. Hey, I’m human too. I know I’m really outgoing, but every now and then it happens. But God got me through. He is good. And we all had a fantastic time.

Classic example of an embarrassing Liz photo

Taking a load off and having a drink!

So let me tell you about Sunday. I tagged along with Keens and Cheryl and met Allie (a fellow ranch girl who was a bridesmaid in the wedding) for coffee and we got to chat and catch up. It made me sad that I might not ever get to see Allie again, because that chick is cool and I just really wanna be her friend. Then we got to go to church! I came to Texas a walking spiritual desert after 2 weeks in Florida. I was thirsty for Jesus, because when I go home He gets sucked right out of me. No community, no church, no worship, nothing. So when we got to Liz’s awesome church, I had a water from the rock moment, and just got to experience God’s sweet living water come back into my parched soul. These two southern women were talking the whole time during worship behind me, and I didn’t let it bother me too much ’cause I was so in my own world with Jesus. But I said to myself, “No, ladies, you have no idea the spirit that’s in this room. You have taken it for granted, because I bet you get the liberty to have Jesus whenever you want. You’re talking about trivial things, shouting above the music, but we’re here to worship the living Christ!” Let this be a lesson, especially to those I was with this weekend who maybe weren’t as excited to go to church-You have no idea how much you need God and long for Him and are nothing without Him until he is taken away from you by circumstances outside your control. You become a desert, and nothing satisfies. I would never exaggerate something like this. I was so thirsty and so tired, and the mere suggestion that we would go to church on Sunday made me literally jump up and down for joy.

Counterclockwise starting from the left: Allie, Willy, Keens, Chris, Liz H., Katie, Grant, Liz L., Jo, Sam, Charity, Tatum, Cheryl, Me.

And so then we parted ways. And before I leave you now I wanted to do something a little out of the ordinary. Sometimes I embarrass people when I compliment them ’cause I’m so bad at explaining myself and how I feel. I’m not too great at words of affirmation. But if I do it over the internet, I can be way more eloquent and well spoken! I want to describe briefly to you the amazing things about the members of the crew that I powwowed around with this weekend that I get to call not only friends, but my brothers and sisters. These in no way could ever substitute actually knowing these awesome people, but I’ll try to do them justice. Let’s start with none other than…

Willy-There are few people on this earth who can make me laugh every time I see them. Wrangler Willy is one of those people. Willy applied to be a wrangler at Wind River with no previous horse experience. He learned quickly over the course of the summer, and became such a favorite with staff and guests for his quick wit and big heart for both horses and people. His relationship with his horse, Warrior, was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. He does not take life too seriously, but has an amazingly level-head on his shoulders and is going to be a great provider for his family some day.

Tatum-Tatum cares for people so well in a practical way. If I ever needed help getting out of a sticky situation, I would call Tatum because she is a treasure trove of wisdom and gives the best advice because she rarely ever speaks rashly. She was the one who, when ALL the girls got sick, cleaned the bathroom, brought food up to staff, and filled in the jobs of those who were down. Tatum, never think those things go unnoticed. I want to raise my kids to be the kind of person you are.

Cheryl-My favorite memory of Cheryl was when she led staff worship one night when Morgan was away. I bet she thinks nothing of that night, but again, it has left an impact on me. She sang a song called “When You Walk Into The Room” which finally gave me the words to describe how to trust God with the things of my life and how to put reliant faith in Him. She led the night with such kindness and patience. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Cheryl boast about herself. She has a wonderful and beautiful laugh that sounds like bells.

Liz L.-Lizzie girl has such a big heart. I love how goofy she is, and we are two peas in a pod although we are different in disposition. She’s also really smart, but is so humble about it. She lives her life to the fullest every single day, and you can see proof of that because she loses her voice all the time. When I was heartbroken about a boy at the ranch, Liz was the one who found me curled up on the ranch porch crying my eyes out. She was so understanding and empathetic, and gave me the courage to get up and go to work on that Sunday as guests were rolling in, which I didn’t think I was going to be able to do.

Keens-I never worked a summer with Keens, but she treats me with such kindness I feel like I did. After Keens visited in 2017, she sent me a letter in the mail encouraging me in who I was. Who does that to someone they just met!? And again when she visited in 2018, after telling her how I was starting to get discouraged, this girl writes me a beautiful script note of encouragements in the Psalms. I hung it on the videographer’s desk, and I hope whoever is there now is getting just as much out of it as I did when the days were tough and everything seemed like it was going wrong. On the hard days, Keens is always there to get the fire lit again.

Allie-Allie Fuller came to visit the ranch with Keens (the 2016-ers) halfway through the summer of 2017, and they all ended up in Katie and I’s room (because Katie also worked in 2016). I was so freakin’ excited, cause this girl seemed rad and I got to get in on the deets because they were all talking in our room. But that night, I got extremely sick and threw up twice. It was scary because it came on so suddenly and I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to ruin their time together. After coming back from the bathroom the second time, I hoisted my body back up to my top bunk. My face must have been sheet white, because Allie stopped talking and looked at me. She asked if I was alright, and I mumbled that I was fine and for them to pretend I wasn’t there. This chick leaps up and comes up to the bunk and feels my forehead and proclaims, “Girl, you are not fine! Why didn’t you tell us you were getting sick, we could have helped you sooner!” They then got me medicine and tea and got the essential oil diffuser going, and I felt much better. She is so caring and wild and loving like crazy. Allie is so wonderfully “crunchy” but also loves Jesus. I want to live life boldly like her one day.

Chris-The thing that sticks out to me about Chris is how when he first came to visit the ranch to see his future wife Liz P., he was so interested in the work that I was doing. He showed such genuine interest in what it took to do my job that I was really floored, because nobody notices the camera girl. Chris is probably the most smiley person I have ever met, and none of it is fake. He exudes the joy of Jesus.

Liz H.-She was Liz P., but she married Chris. I think the most valuable lesson Liz taught me was in self confidence, and she never said a word while she was teaching it. It was all action. Liz is the definition of a role model, who humbly walks alongside others and points them to the truth by living it out wholeheartedly herself. It’s one thing to tell someone, “You need to love yourself better.” It’s another thing to wake up in the morning and watch a woman look at herself in the mirror and love what they see, which Liz did every day without ever saying a word. She also set such a good example of vulnerability in our bible study group. Out of the 60+ people I worked on staff with over the course of 2 years, I feel like I know Liz the most intimately because of how willing she was to share with me not only her wisdom, but her life.

Grant (the groom)-I think everybody was not nervous, but interested to meet Grant. After all, this was going to be the guy that Katie marries, and we all knew how special and rare Katie is. But as soon as he got out of the car and started hugging everyone like old friends, we knew he was going to be just fine. This dude is so solid in his faith, I want to stand on the rock he is standing on. He’s also tons of fun to be around, and I couldn’t imagine anyone better to love and protect and cherish my good friend. I have loved welcoming into our ranch crew. He is one of us, and if anyone every tried to say different, I would kick their butt.

Katie (the bride)-Bugs, I really don’t even know where to begin. There are tons of people as you go through life who impact you. But I think Katie does so much more than that, and I don’t really know how to describe it in words. Katie is like a light that pierces through your worst darkness, says in a big Texan accent, “I don’t care, you’re still beautiful to me,” and seals your heart with scripture, spirit, and truth, anointing you in those things. She is a powerhouse, and yet so gentle, and is one of those most beautiful people I have met inside and out. Because of the seed that Katie planted in me at Wind River in 2017, I have had the courage to go on. To go on without the bondage of shame, to go and be a light, and to go and be exactly who God made me to be. The scriptures (Hosea 2) she spoke over me have gone as far as Uganda and as close as my college friends next door-talk about spiritual generations, Katie is a LEGACY MAKER. This girl makes the devil wet his pants, and that is no exaggeration, I swear.

Ranch staff 2017-my first year

Ranch staff 2018-my second year

All God’s blessings to you, Katie and Grant, as you start you’re life together as one. Go and be faithful laborers of the harvest, continuing to be obedient to God’s voice. And when you need us, you know your Wind River brothers and sisters have your six.

~J