Oh man, ever write something you really didn’t actually ever want to write? Seems to be a theme for the last few posts here on this blog.

As I’ve been cooped up in my house for the past week now (it’s not a matter that I can’t go anywhere, it’s where would I go?), I’ve scrolled through the social medias once or twice a day as we all do. Many of you were surprised at my sudden homecoming onto Instagram after 2 years of refusal to hop on. I agree, creating an aesthetic is more fun than angry facebook debates, but are also less entertaining. Unavoidably, as I scroll, I see a handful of my friends lives that look very different then mine right now. In their early to mid 20’s, they are living carefree, travel-heavy, joyful and experience filled lives right now.

They, because I know some of them are christians, seem to have been blessed by God to get to enjoy and serve him by traveling and running after what makes them happy, while I, in stark contrast, feel stuck doing a fruitless work in a dismal place. None of those above words come to mind very often. I’ve been planted in one of the most unchurched, liberal, post-modernistic parts of America I have ever lived. I do not live life in a permanent state of travel and new experiences. I’m working a job for the sake of the gospel, not myself, which after having a semester under my belt, have realized is thankless, mostly by the school administration (you would think schools would be more welcoming to campus groups offering community and healing to their students, but then again, they don’t believe that only true transformation and healing come through Jesus, so why would they?) but also by the students we serve. I’ll certainly never be rich if I choose to stay in this job, nor particularly fulfilled or content in measurable things and successes. It’s just not that kind of business. I have been burnt out, I am burnt out, and I probably will be burnt out for the foreseeable future. But we both serve the same God? I don’t know. Why has a burden been placed on my heart but not theirs? Of course I would love to experience God more richly in wild, nature filled adventures than laboring tirelessly on gray, thankless New England college campuses. This whole thought train, I know, is envy. It’s that classic social media envy we all know about, which is wrong. I’m supposed to be content in all my circumstances listed above.

Easier said than done?

To me, these thoughts of discontentment in a life of service versus a life of ease is connected to a story I’ve always had trouble with. It’s really not even that long!

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”–Luke 10:38-42

This is a classic church sermon story right? I know the lesson or moral that’s waiting at the end-being with Jesus is better than doing for Jesus. Slow down, be with God, stop working. Although the right answers, does anybody else think it’s all completely unsatisfactory? I believe the principle is right, but at least for me, work is something much more than tasks that are easy to lay aside. It is a lifestyle. It’s how I define my worth, before God and man. This is wrong, obviously, but the aforementioned solution to that problem is not severe enough for the person who is sick to death and truly can’t slow down, not won’t. I have no doubt in my mind that Martha wanted to be in the living room spending that time with Jesus. That’s why she wanted Mary to help her; so that the work could be done sooner and she could be there. I do most of my cooking alone. Do you know how much quicker it goes when one other person helps? It’s insane.

I don’t think what is going on here in that story is a matter of want, but of hopeless entanglement in sin. If Martha could’ve, she would’ve been there. But you see, the desire to please was too strong, and the consequences of not having anything at all prepared for hungry and weary travelers would have been noticed and criticized. It is not the first time a woman was criticized among the disciples or the other Jews in Jesus’ presence. And since no one else was willing to step up to do the work that needed to be done, she felt like the option of being with Jesus was not even an option for her to choose at all. I think Martha did what she did because she was scared of what would happen if she didn’t.

Makes you have a little more sympathy for Martha right? I always have because I understand where she’s coming from. So in light of that, what could be done for Martha if the words, “just be with Jesus” isn’t enough to convince? If I were Martha, and I many times feel as though I am, and I simply couldn’t take those words to heart, which I often don’t, I would then look at the hot facts. Because taking people at their word, at least sometimes for me, isn’t enough to take a risk like I talked about above. So I would take Jesus on his past experiences and character which would prove his current words truthful. And what I found proves Martha had forgotten those as well. Here’s what I found:

• The story of Mary anointing the feet of Jesus (Matthew 26:6-13, John 12: 1-8). Perhaps the most clear defense of a woman in a social setting by Jesus, and why I think what Martha feared most about the disciples being mad at her wouldn’t have played out as she thought. In this story, the woman takes a jar of perfume estimated to be, oh you know, around $24,000, and pours it all over Jesus. The disciples were indignant the text says (as I’m sure I would be!), but Jesus states firmly, “Leave her alone!”. Defending her action, or in Martha’s case, he would defend her inaction. Can’t you just see that playing out? The disciples arrive to the house, expecting their feet to be washed and hot dinner on their plates, but nothing happens? Both Mary and Martha sit and listen to Jesus, and their guests are indignant just like they are in this story. But if the disciples started to criticized, I’m almost sure Jesus would’ve shot back “leave Martha alone,” and reproached them instead, just like he did in this story, defending her choice and proving for the future stopping work to be with me is always an option, because no matter what anybody says, I (Jesus) will always defend you for it.

• Another story of an anointing by a woman (Luke 7:36-50). This time, Jesus proves his point and defends her by comparing her actions as right to the ones (not taken) by those of his male hosts. “You did not give me a kiss, but from the time I entered, this woman has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet (tears).”

• The woman caught in adultery (John 7:53-8:11). In a very public display of defense, Jesus plainly calls out the hypocrisy of the Pharisees actions instead of doing what was expected and justified of him to do. And forgives her sins while he’s at it. And in doing so, releases all of us from the heavy expectations we set for ourselves under the law.

• The woman at the well (John 4). Another classic church sermon involving a woman. There’s so much cultural right Jesus gave up simply to be with this woman, I don’t even have the space to unpack it. He didn’t really do anything for her, unlike the last story, but simply his acknowledgement and valuing of her as a person was enough in this scenario.

• The woman who was crippled in the temple (Luke 13:10-17). Another public defense of a woman to men by Jesus. And here’s where you really see the Pharisees hypocrisy and calousness. After Jesus healed her of a crooked back she had for 18 years, they address the people and say, “There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not the sabbath.” To which Jesus shoots back, “You hypocrites!” and then explains why it was OK for him to do what he did.

• The story of the woman who bled for 12 years straight (Mark 5:24-35). This woman had enough faith to defy the barriers that held her back from receiving healing by touching Jesus. Again, the consequences were great-Jesus would have become unclean and it would’ve been all her fault. But instead, he commends instead of condemns her and bids her to go in peace.

And I promise you, that’s not even every story of Jesus interacting with women! If I could remember all those instances in which Jesus’ character and actions proves true to his words, then the reality of having to make those unpopular decisions becomes much less scary. Shameless plug for reading your Bible, I guess? This is why it’s important to know the scriptures-to be able to defend yourself when the time comes, because if Jesus in this time truly is stripping away all my success in work and my stick to it-ivness and my drive and all the good things that come from me working really hard at the expense of myself, I think many will be mad. I am scared they will call me lazy, selfish, uncaring, a hypocrite, and a ministry killer.

Matt Hires in his song “Holy War” (which is on a fantastic album please go listen to it) sings, “sometimes my faith could use a little sight.” I think this is what this post is. Obviously, it should be enough to live on faith alone. But sometimes, it feels impossible to do that. I think that’s why Hires is mad in his song-because what happens when our faith gives out, as it inevitably will? We’re not allowed to stand on anything else? I would argue no. Look at all these examples I’ve gathered above. These things I’ve seen in the scriptures give me the faith to believe what Jesus has commanded me to do, at least for this season of my life. Maybe I’ll get to a point one day where I really do believe on faith alone. But for this instance, for this time, all I had to do was put a little work in to be at peace. 😉

~J

“Jesus protected women, empowered women, honored women publicly, released the voice of women, confided in women, was funded by women, celebrated women by name, learned from women, respected women, and spoke of women as examples to follow. Our turn.” -Carlos Rodriguez

PS. For further reading go visit the wikipedia page of Jesus’ interactions with women. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus’_interactions_with_women) It was what I used for this post and was remarkablely and surprisingly thorough and helpful, compiling literally all his interactions with women which can be hard to piece together, as they are scattered throughout all four gospels.

I knew keeping up with a monthly newsletter, a blog, and all the personal correspondence with my entire circle of glittering friends at the same time would be difficult! I kinda knew this blog would unfortunately not be updated with so much care since most of you who read it are on my support team (bless 🙏🏼) and get the newsletter anyway, so it would be repetitive. But not today!

I know we as ministry workers are supposed to include the good, the bad, and the ugly in our updates, but I’ll be honest, it’s really hard to include anything after the good. But luckily that’s where this blog comes in! Plus, I did get asked when a new post was coming some time ago, so I guess you can say back by popular demand!

Nobody ever asks me a penny for my thoughts (hence why people keep blogs, I guess) but some corona musings?

This year sucked, but you don’t need me to tell you that. And I could share all the layers of exactly how I feel about it, but I’d just end up pissing off some people, having others agree, not really provide anything constructive, and probably get fired, who knows? I also hate confrontation. But there has been a few things in this past year that have been rattling around in my head that halfway shake me out of this dependent on technological entertainment-consumeristic-slow descent into 1984 levels of society-maskacne filled world we unfortunately now live in as this continues to sweep the nation.

One day in mid November, I got in my car, and said to myself fairly placidly, “Ok, that’s it. I think that’s it. I’ve hit my covid limit. No more can happen, cause I simply cannot take anymore.” And for maximum irony, that night was the night my Summit (training with other EDGE’rs) that never got to happen in May didn’t get to happen a second time because it was canceled again. And I shouted, “But I hit my limit!!! I can’t do this anymore!” How do you comfort that? You don’t. These two things are the only things that make me persist through this SUCK we’re living through.

First, the historical event of the Jewish exile to Babylon, which you can find at the end of Jeremiah. Why did they get sacked, pillaged, carted off into slavery, and have their capital city destroyed, you may ask? Well, the answer is not so touchy feely. The nation of Israel had participated and installed into their lives SO MUCH SIN. From the time Moses went to get the Ten Commandments to up until the fall of their city. There was no excuse, pause, or limit to their depravity, quite unfortunely. And although in all the promises of the Old Testament that say that God will provide a way back and restore them, this had to come first. Because of how they had chosen to live their lives. And boy does it feel that way as a christian in America in the 21st century.

I’m no theological scholar, but I feel like I can now make the parallels between what happened then and what is happening now. This pandemic is really unfair. It is unfair systematically and it has felt very personal as well. Why would a loving God do this to earth? Well, why did he send the Babylonians to destroy his holy people? For the punishment of their sin against him (idolatry), and in the hope that this would be enough to make those people turn back to their one true God. Unpopular opinion nowadays in our ‘positive vibes only at church’ society-there are consequences for sin. The good news is there is now no punishment for those who repent of that sin and turn to Jesus (see Romans 8:1). But just because now there is no eternal punishment doesn’t mean we don’t have earthly consequences for our choices. God don’t roll like that. And we as a nation have sinned. It would be so naive in my prayers to God to think that this is unfair. The sin of our nation is so obvious-we have turned away from God to:

• idolatry (see the lines out the Apple store and how much the average American spends in front of a screen).
• gratuitous sexual sin and violence (why are strip clubs here in Florida open free reign for business, but you still have to get a ticket to church? I wasn’t aware the sex industry was essential).
• our own personal comfort and convenience and selfishness (which in the extreme leads to tragedies such as neglect and abortion).

Just to name a few. So my prayers have not been, “God this is undeserved and doesn’t line up with your character.” They have been repeatedly, “Lord, I know this country has sinned. And its sin is bad and we are so far from you. Will you please take your hand off this nation and relent?” The Israelites had to pray that prayer for 70 years before they were delivered from their afflictions and sent home. So when I look at this comparison for comfort, I do not think idealistically that once we have a vaccine everything will be fine again. No, I’m hunkering down for this marathon God might be bringing us through, and this has only been year one. Imagine how the next 69 will be.

So point number one is really more the logical comfort about how this kind of thing has happened before and there’s nothing new. But secondly is more the emotional comfort. Here’s a fun fact about me- I love OLD country hymns. The more grainy and crackly the recording, the better. Old american songs from like the 1880’s, fiddle music, etc. Like, we will be doing the Virginia Reel at my wedding. I’ve been stumbling onto some really obscure hymns (cause ones like Come Thou Fount and It is Well are so overdone now, right?) and I came across one version done by Randy Travis of “Will The Circle Be Unbroken?” The song itself is kind of depressing, being about a mother dying, but the chorus is what I liked:

“Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by, Lord, by and by
There’s a better home a-waiting
In the sky, Lord, in the sky.”

So simple, but so profound. And this chorus from “Ye Elders of Israel”:

“O Babylon, O Babylon, we bid thee farewell;
We’re going to the mountains of Ephraim to dwell.”

These are the promises that I’m clinging to in this season. Not that everything will be better next year. I’m sorry, I’m just too much of a cynic to believe everything in America from racial unrest to this sickness will ever be resolved and we’ll all hold hands and love each other again. I do believe there is such a thing as the point of no return. And we’re there. What I am clinging to is that soon, so soon, I’ll be able to delight in the promises that I’ve suffered here on earth for. That promise of Heaven, and that it is the home waiting for me is, most days, the only thing that gets me out of bed in this exhausting world right now. What else could? One day, I will get to march out of Babylon and sing and cry out, “Farewell!” and head away from the land of my sin. And be jubilant that the circle has been unbroken and that I get to go to that land far away in the sky.

~J

“Then I saw ‘a new heaven and a new earth,’ for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’”- Revelation 21:1-5

I’ve come to realize picking up your life and moving it to a brand new place is different than the micro-moves I’ve done these last 4 years in college, in and out of dorms, back from Colorado, etc. I didn’t think they would be different, but I am exhausted sometimes and I don’t know why! I’m going into my 3rd week here. My housemates claim how difficult it must be still to be getting used to things, but I like to think of myself as someone who can just pick up and go anywhere. However, this is not the first thing that has slowed me in my tracks. I might have to start accepting the fact that I am not as young as I used to be…

Hey here’s a fun picture! Nadia on InterVarsity staff, Alison my roomie on Cru staff, and me on Navs staff all at UMass after church this past Sunday. We’re all smiling.

Leaving Maine sucked! Tears were shed as I pulled out of the house I was living in this summer, the house that saw 88% of my support raised in 2 months (still working on that last bit y’all-would love some more recommendations!) and all the emotions that come with support raising. Emma saw me off, and with a little Toyota Corolla hatchback packed to the very top, I closed another chapter in my life. It was all so new and exciting, getting down here to Amherst, that I didn’t have that much time to be sad. I’m still working on a spotify playlist dedicated to Maine and all my memories there, so if you know any songs, send them my way. I couldn’t believe how many people I was leaving behind, and wonder how many of them will be there if/when I return. If I’m going to be a park ranger one day, it’s going to be in Maine. But WHO KNOWS where God will take me after these 2 years here. I’ll be keeping you updated.

How could I make a post about all the things I love about Maine?! It’s captured a bit of my heart, and the post would go on forever! I can’t even pick some favorites, because every single bit of it changed who I am as a person. So I don’t think I’ll try. All I know is the answer to the question “where are you from?” gets harder and harder as I get older. I  wonder if there are things about Massachusetts that I will never fully get used to, or those things will pass with time.

What I do know is that I wrote a poem that I think describes what I’m feeling better than droning on and on. I want to give some background first though. This wonderful poem was written way back in March, just as the corona news came in that a) I wouldn’t get to have a graduation with all my friends and peers b) We were all getting kicked out of the dorms c) I still didn’t know where I was getting placed on staff for the next two years. A host of other things were making me feel some kind of way, but let’s focus on that last one for a second.

Up until this point, I don’t think I had written anything in months. There was so much uncertainty from the higher ups of where I was going to be for the next 2 years. It came down to staying at USM or moving here to Massachusetts. For as much as I love Maine, my soul was sad and angry at the thought of staying on staff at USM (which is a whole different story we don’t have time for here). A poem had been swirling in my head for a little bit, and I said to myself, “If I am moving to MA, it will be a happy one, but if I’m staying here, it will be a sad one with no hopeful ending”. A couple days later I got the call that I was moving, and from there the poem came. But the title just was stuck in my head, because at that time in March (and I could still argue now), Maine was dead. It was not the Maine I knew. It certainly was not the send off I wanted, but these wonderful memories were pulling at my words, making quite the play of future and past. And if I could be so bold, I think it’s the best poem I’ve ever written. So, with a heavy but proud heart of being far away from home, I present…

“Ode to a Dying Maine”

The 23rd state needs no eulogy from me-
some others would think of
as only a ‘passer-thru’

And I guess it could be said that
my roots are not very strong,
but to be fair, I haven’t had a permanent address in years.
I have no Abenaki blood to brag of, no Arcadian family to claim.
Maine soil isn’t good for growing many things other than potatoes.

But now, the future looms
ahead like a dark lighthouse on the shore.
Calm, the waters surface a mirror, and fog rolls in like the heavy
days of August come again.

When it snows in Maine, it blizzards. When the wind blows, it howls and screams.
If the rain falls, it hails and washes away everything. When those rocky islands and rich pine forests birth an explosion of abundance, I
laugh and yell
in wild wonder
How the most harshest winters give life to
the most beautiful things.

Maine soil grows the most vibrant blueberries you could ever only hope to find.

Even though now,
you are nothing but a shell like the many abandoned garrison
forts along your coast,
I remember you for what you were-

China Lake, the expanse of nothing but autumn woods
on the farmland hills. Such an insignificant town,
but to me it tastes of microwaved apple cider and I hear the echoes
of laughter around a fire, the sweet sounds of
pure friendship, carry on forever.

Those long dark winter nights that
can’t be described as anything other than memory-making, for it is in the
mundane antics of young adults that so quickly turn
into the old aches of side splitting laughter.
When the snow laid down thick on Sunday evenings when classes were cancelled,
we celebrated and shouted like school children,
for, perhaps, we were.
Those many winter months of college were
lathered in heartbreak and sweat,
painting up wonders in our spare time to escape,
to lessen the blow of what we each woke up to in the morning.

And if I could only remember again
the way the sleepy waves crash onto an island at midnight,
the warm summer breeze that sounded like ghost stories,
I would never have trouble falling asleep again.
The dog days of summer in Midcoast-
the bitter taste of mead that rolls on my tongue, sharing everything.
Zooming around in a
Lund boat
“checking the moorings” but really popping wakes and
having the time of our lives, free as kingfishers on the shore.

I remember you for what you will be-

The unaltered wilderness just ready to be explored,
the paced rowing of a canoe filled to the brim with adventure.
Muggy-clear starry nights of revealing. No civilization to speak of for a hundred miles.

Honey soaked conversations of ‘goodbye’.

Maine grew me, so that topsoil can’t be all that bad.
How much I wish I would return.
But my years of away might run quite long before it is time for me to run back.
To once again throw myself to those salty, rocky cliffs,
put down some real roots for
crying out loud, and to get used to calling a place home.

I had never written an ode before, so that was fun. And appropriate, for how dead everything felt. I’ll be back one day. And maybe by then, no one will remember me and it will be a replanting all over again. I don’t know. For now, I guess, I’ll hang on to what I got. Think of ‘home’. Try saying this and see what happens:

“I remember you for what you were. I remember you for what you will be.”

~J

We finally did it! Or more like we did it a month ago, and I’m only getting this done now! But I’ve had to wait until my photos were developed, and then I moved (another post about that coming soon). Remember those days? Yea we only did a disposable film camera each, and phones were off and away the whole week, and to someone whose job is literally glued to their technolog, it was fun.

The Premise: Two girls, Liesel and Jenna, both with full time jobs take only 7 days to canoe a 92 mile river in the middle of the North Maine Wilderness with only 2 backpackers backpacks for gear.

The Result: Crossing an item off the bucket list. And we did it in 6, not 7.

We said we would call this trip a success if all 3 of these things happened. 1) Nobody got seriously injured. 2) My car didn’t get damaged or get a flat tire. 3) If the canoe we rented did not get damaged. And would you believe it? It was a success, and we actually had some fun along the way too.

To start with, a hurricane was upon Maine that week. 2 storm systems were hitting the state. And the logging roads to get to the put-in point, seriously scary. Probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, because we did not have cell service and if we broke down, there was no plan B. The suspension on my (lease) car is pretty shot I’m sure, but we made it a total of 45 miles with no flats, no problems, and only slightly sore bootys. Praise. Jesus.

This is Liesel right before we started! PS all the pictures are pictures of hard copies from the disposable film cameras we were using if you were curious as to why the quality is so bad:)

We canoed an average of 15 miles a day. We ended a day earlier than expected, and we were able to finish the river despite the low water level, which was something we were not expecting to do. My highlight every day was being done rowing and sitting down to a lovely dinner of ramen. Yea, I ate it every night, and it was just as delicious every night. One of the craziest things for me about this trip is how my stomach wasn’t like rumbling wit hunger, but every time I ate food I was never full, or satisfied, because we were burning so much more calories than I was eating at least. Just to give you an idea of what each day was like-we woke up around 6am, ate breakfast, disassembled camp, rowed, stopped for lunch, rowed some more, set up camp, ate dinner, played cards/read from a little pocket John I brought with me, and then went to bed around 9pm.

We logged our progress every day, so instead of me droning on, here are our notes from each day on the river. I have edited it to read more like a diary entry rather than the bullet lists we wrote, which is the skeleton of them. I hope you enjoy the late at night  configuration of 2 wilderness travelers.

7/11/20-Today we put in and started the river at Chamberlain Bridge at around 2pm. We made it through the logging roads just fine. As soon as we put it, the wind was blowing against us, but we were able to press through. Conditions got worse after Rocky Point. We stopped for the day at Donnelly Point and made camp. We saw a loon, which was our first wildlife. Setting up camp took a little longer as we did it for the first time. Very glad we brought the camp stove so we didn’t have to make a fire every night to cook.

It’s a good thing Liesel and I get along since we were together every minute for a whole week!

7/12/20-Morning cloudy as we started, and the afternoon got worse and then better. We overshot Lock Dam by a mile and had to backtrack against the wind and current to get there. Still being under the assumption we had to stop at every ranger station we came to, we went looking for the one at LD. Instead, we came across a historical cabin and were welcomed in by Bill and Sue Olsen and Vinnie and Karen [we forgot their last name] playing cribbage. Found out they were believers, knew about the Navigators, and had mutual friends with Liesel. We stopped at Thoreau Island (home to the campsite of HDT who also paddled the Allagash in the 1800’s) and after lunch and petting some doggos it started to rain. We took shelter under some guys tarp which was very nice of him, and once it passed we paddled straight 3 miles to Farm Island, which was much farther than it looked.

Liesel clearly was not having it by the time we got to Lock Dam!

7/13/20-Mostly/partly cloudy all day. Wind was very bad after 9am. We attempted to find a fire tower on the lookout trail. Could not pick up the trail after about a mile, but did find fresh bear tracks! Moose tracks as well. After stopping at Scofield Point for lunch, we finished at Churchill Dam at 2pm for the day. Met Alyssa the ranger and checked in to do the rapids tomorrow. We “did laundry” and bathed, read 4 chapters from John in the logging museum, and drank lots of water from the spigot they have here. While bathing, fish were so curious they continued to nibble our toes and all over us. Needless to say, we bathed quickly, as that was one of the weirdest feelings ever. We built a celebratory campfire and got it started with only one match. The winner of our Trash card game will be determined tomorrow…

Stocking up on water at Churchill Dam! It was one of my favorite places.

7/14/20-100% cloud cover all day, water temperature very warm. NE wind against us, but still hasn’t rained on us. We started out the day doing the Chase Rapids and slayed them! No upsets or serious damage to the canoe (so we think). We did Umsaskis and Long Lake today, paddling against wind and current to finish at Long Lake Dam. There was no signage on the right to take out, which is incredibly dangerous and Jenna is very upset about. Met Jeff and Jill? from Maryland at Lost Popple. They were cool. Saw a loon with fresh out of the egg babies. Still haven’t sighted a moose. Liesel claims she heard footsteps around the tent in the night…

Our campsite at Long Lake Dam

7/15/20-No clouds, sunny, fair, 5-10mph winds. Started the day at 10:15am and took a lot of breaks. Stopped at a bridge for lunch where the bugs were so bad Jenna had to put her black garbage bag over her. Saw a lot of eagles and camped at Round Pound Outlet. Went “swimming”, and started eating the fruit snacks after running out of Oreos. Food supply low. Someone please help…

Ramen Selfie

7/16/20-30% cloud cover, fair, light wind. Ate breakfast with a New England cottontail Liesel has named Cedric (I think she has a crush on Cedric Diggory from HP. He seems just her type) and gray jays which ate trail mix from our hand. We paddled to Michaud Farm (~15 miles) by 2pm. The ranger was very nice and contacted Norm our transport. We decided after weighing our options of either taking out now at Michaud Farm or finishing the river, to let Norm know that we WILL be finishing the river, and a day early at that. We had to portage the canoe a third of a mile around Allagash Falls (much dreaded but the falls were gorgeous). We met two girls from Saco in a metal canoe who brought margaritas (we agreed although a fun idea, we are too dehydrated to have been able to pull that off.) Made it to Big Brook South thanks to nice family from Manchester, NH, who stopped to help us find it. They had a REALLY attractive dude with them who lifted their canoe above his head and carried it by himself at the portage! Binged on food for our evening meal since this is our last night on the river. We are exhausted but in high spirits!

Just call her Pocahontas

The Allagash Falls

7/17/20-Finished in the Town of Allagash after having to get out and push at some points since water level was low. Found Debbie (after Jenna probably mooned a guy trying to pee at what we though was her landing) and called Norm. Got transported (3 hour van ride!) back to car at Chamberlain Bridge. Then went over logging roads again and made it through without any problems but lots of white knuckled driving. Drove to Bangor and FEASTED on Chick-fil-A in the car which made our serotonin levels spike. Made it back to Portland at 10pm and said goodbye, safe and sound.

It was a once in a lifetime trip, and I don’t regret it for a second. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it and that I’ve done it justice. We’re thinking Montana next, since this trip has solidified our bond as adventure buddies. My mom asked me before I left why all my vacations have to be so dangerous. Not that it was terribly so, but I guess those make the best ones.

~J

P.S. If you ever want to paddle the Allagash, now you know someone whose done it and will gladly go again as a guide;)

Me in a honkin big pine at Churchill Dam

Hahahaha, it’s only been 2 months, no biggie! Don’t worry, I’m not dead, just fundraising! It takes up a lot of my time, and I wanted to make sure I had enough to write about, cause who wants to read a boring blog post?

So I ‘graduated’ after staying with my parents for a month in Florida, then drove up in a new lease car to Maine to start my ‘summit’ training with the navs. This year I feel like will have a lot of quotations, since things are happening, but also, not really. It was online, but it was still nice to meet the friends going to other campuses this fall. We got the very minimal MPD training we needed to get started, and then got let loose from there to go get funded. For those of you who are curious, I have to raise a little less than $4000/month. I’m 35% funded so far. But you probably already know that, cause if you’re reading this, I have most likely already reached out to you personally to ask if you want to be on my team! Cause I like you, and you’re my friend! So I got a little bored during one of the sessions and decided to make some EDGE Corps memes. These are only a few, and my favorites.

The girls who are on my fundraising team are wonderful! It’s the Northeast EDGE girls minus Rosie, whose on another team, but is still in another bible study with us (the sexual health and wellness one; you can imagine how it’s going!) and our coach, Denise. We wake up almost every morning at 7:30am for our daily huddle and to get the day started. And that means 99% of the time I am still in a tank top probably not wearing pants with my hair in a bun. But it’s a great way to get the day started.

This is Cora showing off a lovely sunrise during one of our DH.

And it’s not really all that bad. I get to have fun meetings with people as my job this summer, like you can see in the pictures below. It is just…hard. And if you’ve ever had to raise support, you know it is. I think I have way too much of an expectation that people will actually respond back to my calls. Whoops!

This was my very first staff meeting with the UMass Amherst team!

Seeing old friends at the beach!

Look I made my friends fridge with all the wedding invitations! Woohoo I get to go into full time fundraised support ministry instead of getting married.

I try to keep a professional composure during face to faces, but when Tatum’s dog Birdie was on screen, I melted every time.

…

Well, that’s all the updates I have really. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed and do this everyday. Which led me to the thoughts going through my head today as I did my etawg (extended time alone with God). So since moving out of USM, I minimalized and got rid of everything I didn’t need and old stuff to the point where everything I owned just fit into one carload. Pretty impressive, huh? So all my stuff is tucked away where I’m living now, and as I was reading and praying this morning, with a continuously heavy heart because I have not fundraised nearly enough to be anywhere near getting on campus in the fall:( I was distractedly looking at everything.

I just finished reading the biography of Dawson Trotman, the man who founded the Navigators, and in it there was a part where it talked about how he sold his white Pontiac car his wife gave him to aid in the purchase of Glen Eyrie, castle headquarters of the Navigators in Colorado Springs, and where I was supposed to go for our summit back in May. So I texted my coach absentmindedly and asked ‘how come I’m not allowed to sell all my stuff if Dawson Trotman sold his car to help his fundraising?’ But after sending that text, I laughed to myself because looking around, it appears that I own absolutely nothing of value. And you would be right on that first glance. And I KNOW there are better things I could’ve done with my time alone with God, but I ended guesstimating how far selling those used things I own would go towards my fundraising like Trotman did. And I made a list just to visualize, and when I was done with the list, I didn’t know whether to laugh out loud or cry. None of these things are for sale, obviously, and I couldn’t include my ipad (that I got to replace the computer), my phone, and my car (which I don’t even own cause I lease lol) because those 3 things are pretty essential to me doing my job. Everything is very used, and everything on this list means very very much to me. I think it would be enlightening to share with you my results from ‘taking inventory’. You can disagree with me on the prices I imagined; they are just what I would let them go for. It’s all in good fun…

1. MacBook Air with charger-$100

2. Kindle with case-$150

3. Nikon D3300 with 2 lenses, charger and batteries, tripod, backpack, and spider stabilizer-$200

4. Stentor 4/4 Violin-$200

5. Stagg mini guitar with strap, capo, picks, and bag-$100

6. Elkhorn compound bow (in surprisingly good condition still, since I got it when I was 16)-$100

7. Kelty 80W backpacking pack with 35F sleeping bag-$150 (the deal of a lifetime!)

8. Coleman 2 person tent-$100

9. 1 Proforce Bo staff, 2 escrema bamboo fighting sticks, 1 wooden nunchuk, and some very used sparring gear thrown in for free-$50

10. If I was very desperate, I would have to send home for an upright black jewelry case inlaid with a little ivory (like the only truly adult thing I own).

So when I got to the end of this list, I thought to myself; If I sold all this, how much support would it bring me for 2 years on EDGE? The answer? $50/month. Which is pretty ludicrous keeping in mind I ask people to partner with me at $100/month. Isn’t that really wild?

It was a fun exercise, I recommend you take inventory of all the valuable things you own, and if God asked you to get rid of them, could you? And for how much? So what’s the point of all this? Well, some scriptures came to my mind that I would like to share, and forgive the long text, but its good stuff…

“If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless. But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.” – Philippians 3:4-11

I would sell all 10 of those things on the list and MORE without a second look if it meant I could only get to be on campus full time to share the good news with students. I weep that right now I still feel that this stupid thing called fundraising is getting in the way of me living out 2 Timothy 2:2, Dawson’s original, pure, goal. Well, Daws never really spent time in the Northeast either…

All that to say, all I want to do is know Christ. And meet with students, and share Jesus. Everything else-getting ahead in a career/having a well paying job, saving money or having nice things or a house, getting married, personal satisfaction-I consider FREAKIN’ GARBAGE compared to how much Christ is worth to a soul. So how long with the Lord keep me from his own heart?! I don’t know, but I’ll keep you updated (as always).

~J

P.S. The most sincere, heartfelt, and innumerable thanks if you have already started supporting me, or even just gave me the time to share my vision with you in a face-to-face if time is all you have to give right now. I am so thankful for YOU, and really didn’t even expect to get this far, so it is a blessing and I cannot stress that enough. I am praying for you, yes you! Tell your friends about this weird girl you know who deliberately chose to work with college students for the next two years! The life changing Gospel has to get to Amherst quick!

Alright listen here kids. I’ve worked at Hanny’s for nearly 2 long years of my life, and I got some stories for you after having my last day in mid April. And not only do I have some stories, but my good friends who are co-authoring this post with me do as well! Another new thing for the blog! Now don’t hear this post as being negative. I assure you this is purely for your entertainment, as you know there have been so many good things that have happened from working there, such as getting to know these good friends I’m writing this with.  Just laugh, it’s supposed to funny. We died laughing while writing this, even though its all true, so take it in good fun. So lets do this interview style and jump right in!

Question #1-How long have you worked at Hanny’s?

Violet*: So far, 2.5 years. Front end

Tyrone*: Four long years of assholes. Front end as well.

J: A year and a quarter.

Question #2- What is the most memorable thing that’s ever happened to you while working at Hanny’s?

Violet: So I had this customer, and he came to my line,and he put all the big things on my belt (which is already annoying but sure, I needed an arm workout that day). I went along with it, load him up, give his receipts, and I looked over. He’s not saying anything as he’s leaving, and all of a sudden I see a long trail of kitty litter from the whole belt down the register to the exit of the store, like a slime trail a snail would leave.

Tyrone: So recently I had to break up a senior citizen fistfight over the red line at Hanny’s. One guy didn’t want to stay behind it, so I had to scream “Sir, can you get behind the red line?” He didn’t, and the other guy in line said to get behind it, and then they started to get angry with each other so I screamed to get behind it again and then they stopped fighting. I don’t play around at my register! We’ll have order!

J: Nothing too crazy has happened to me while at a register I think like you two, but I’ve seen meltdowns and tantrums galore.

Question #3-Reveal one of Hannford’s dirty secrets.

Tyrone: We’ve never done a deep clean of the registers since I’ve been working there.

Violet: 75% of all the desserts and breads at the bakery are just frozen. They do not make nearly anything fresh from scratch. They are good at decorating, though.

J: I literally don’t care about people’s eggs, their Hannaford rewards, or bagging preferences. I just do whatever the heck I fell like. I’m probably the worst person to get when your in line for a register.

Question #4-What is your best experience at Hannafords?

Violet: This guy in the store is very friendly with me. I understand when people are making funny jokes, and this man always comes through my line, makes snide remarks, and then I one day I went to go do carts outside, and he’s doing loops around the building to get his wife, and he comes barreling towards me in his car and laughing. And he goes “Oh, I almost hit ya!” So I was pushing carts towards his car, and he drives out laughing and I’m cackling away in the parking lot.

Tyrone: Generally, helping the customers. You know, seeing their joy. Seeing them satisfied with their shopping. Using the Power of You. Helping old ladies to their car. Engaging in insightful conversations about life things. Thanking our veterans, especially Vietnam ones that come through. That kind of thing.

J: Last April I was working close to Easter and I just had this feeling from the Lord that I should put some money on and give a Hannaford gift card to my service leader who I was working with at the time, so she could get food on her breaks and stuff. She was really cool, and that day I just kind of looked at her and thought, “she needs someone to bless her today”. It was totally unprompted and I’m sure very strange to receive from her end, but I very much was glad I got to bless her and show her a little random act of kindness.

Question #5-What has been your worst experience?

Tyrone: Doing carts in a blizzard. It was pretty shitty. A woman who makes me bag double plastic in double paper. How wasteful.

Violet: I had a favorite customer once. And then things turned bad. Real bad. He was really nice to me, we had great conversations, etc. He is in his late 50’s, early 60’s. He has a wife. One day, he started flirting with me. I thought it was a one day thing, kept ringing stuff up, but I knew this was day he was gonna do something. I ended up going to punch out, and that was his open window. He came right up to me before I punched out (so at least I was getting paid for this) and says, “Wanna get coffee sometime?” And I said yes, cause I got grandpa vibes from him! He asked me what day and what time, and so I said, “Oh I don’t know, I’ll tell you next time you come through my line.” But he kept insisting over and over, and then that was when the red flags were starting to pop up like fireworks and I was like, “Shit!” So I awkwardly talked my way out of it, and now he avoids me and there’s weird eye contact cause grandpa tried to ask me out! I’m not anybody’s sugar baby!

J: Since I don’t feel like telling a story with so much detail, I’ll probably just say slamming my fingers into carts and running over my own feet all day every day when they make me do carts.

Question #6-What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen at Hanny’s?

Violet: Really nice couple comes up, but I noticed something weird. This guy had a red solo cup. He picks it up, puts it up to his face, and this black stuff comes out from dip in his mouth. I was horrified. His wife was mortified that he was doing it in a store, in public. He put it down next to the pin pad and walked away after they were done paying. I called a service leader over to take care of it, and asked him what he wanted to do with it, and the man’s wife looked back near the exit doors and noticed that there was crowd gathering around this cup! So she stops him from leaving, he ran back and grabbed it, and I haven’t seen them since.

Tyrone: That same woman I mentioned before and her husband. They unfortunately smell like cat pee.

J: I swear on my life, I am not making any part of this story up and saw it with my own eyes. I was checking a man out one time, and his toddler was sitting in the cart. She dropped her pacifier on the flood, as babies do. I was like, “Oh, too bad, she dropped her pacifier.” This man picked it up off the Hannaford floor, and put it right back into her mouth. Did not wipe, did not put it in his mouth and give it back to her (I heard some people will do that if its an emergency), nothing. So my eyes got wide and I looked over to my bagger to see if he just saw what I saw. I turn back and continue checking him out. As toddlers do, she dropped it again, and I’m cringing to see what he’ll do next. Surely, he wouldn’t put it back into her mouth. He did. And then, she drops it a third time. And after three times on the grocery store floor where hundreds of carts, shoes, various food spills, etc. pass through every day, he puts it back into her mouth again. I was, and still am, incredulous about that.

Question #7-Unexpected friends you made while working at Hanny’s?

Violet: The janitors. They’re like OG’s and deal with everybody problems. If your in the store, say hello because they’re nice.

Tyrone: I’ve made friends with a lot of the high schoolers. Teenage rebellion is plentiful at this store. These kids are edgy and hilarious. Car chases with the police and deep family secrets, man.

J: Gosh, there are so many. All the high school and college aged girls and some guys I’ve gotten to know. It’s been so great to be able to get to know who they are and even build deep friendships with some of them (hence this blog post over a delicious dinner at their apt;)

Question #8-Biggest pet peeve. You only get one. 

Violet: This lady, recently, I asked her, “Did you check your eggs today ma’am?” And she says, “No, I can’t open them.” And internal screams were going off in my head, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN”T OPEN THEM? YOUR BUYING THEM!” Side eyes were made to Jenna during this transaction, who was bagging, following a reply of “Ok, I’ll check.”

Tyrone: Customers that get stuff and give it back at the register. Paying in all change. Honestly, when customers ask for paper.

Jenna: Ok, because that last one is so true I’ll let you have those three. Mine is when I’m hosting, and I am doing my very best to pretend I’m anywhere but working at Hanford, and a customer (which 99% of the time is a boomer) will come up to my line that I am internally begging will stay empty, and say something along the lines of, “You look bored, need some work to do?!” YES, IN FACT, I AM BORED! DON’T BOTHER ME!!!!

Where else can you get workplace discourse like this? Nowhere but a grocery store. In Maine. Thanks Hannaford, I can’t say it’s been swell, but at least you paid me, I made some AWESOME friends, and got those sweet 6% back in rewards. Never looking back.

~J

*Names have been changed because we thought it would be funny. Obviously I’m not changing my name since it’s my blog, so identity spoiled! 😂

My last shift, my coworkers and I ate cheesecake and they got me a card. Very thoughtful!

If you don’t have time for the entirety of this epic story, you can just skip down to the bottom. But this is the first time I’ve ever gotten to share this and there are so many layers and God moments that are woven into it. And to understand the ending, you have to hear the humble beginnings! So please allow me the privilege of being incredibly long-winded, because I love all the details. I’ve been so excited to write this story out entirely for about 2 years now. It’s a story of how discipleship unfolds, even when I couldn’t see. All of this happened exactly as you will read it. My memory is very good. So my friends, should we start at the very beginning?

I am a senior in high school outside New York City. I have graduated and am moving on from Risen King Alliance Church and its youth group, and am going to Maine in the Fall of 2016. I worked for the Rockland Conservation Corps that summer of 2016, and went to Life conference in Kansas City, MO with the youth group-an ultimate Jesus high with my closest friends. I was baptized in the hotel pool with those friends who had led me to Jesus. But later on into the summer, my soul wasn’t right. I started having panic attacks for no reason in my room. I was scared, not about the unknowns of college (I love adventure) but that I would lose my faith there like so many others I had known. My biggest fear was turning to the world instead of being faithful to Jesus.

I know a lot of you think that I’ve always been as I am, but high school to college was a drastic shift in who I was in the Lord. I was by no means anyone who shared the word at all, scared of familial retribution, and was not strong in any kind of biblical conviction. One night, I decided, after being really upset and not being able to explain why, I called one of the youth group leaders named Ginny who I had just gotten to know a month earlier and really liked because we had similar struggles. She actually picked up the phone and talked with me about my current uneasiness (even though I couldn’t be articulate) and continued to encourage me that summer. Before I left for college, I begged God to give me godly friends so I wouldn’t turn away, and that I wanted to grow, not regress. I was 18 years old, and praying for a thing, a word I didn’t even know was in the bible, much less something I thought I could ever be a part of. Wouldn’t you know it? I was praying for discipleship. 

This to me is one of the greatest miracles God has done in my life. To think I could pray for that, when if you had asked me then what discipleship was, I would not be able to give you a definition by any means! 

One of the pictures I will show my kids someday

One of our traditions was that seniors had to run into Lake Champion (a younglife camp, go figure!) on the last day of the weekend retreat. Absolutely freezing of course.

Lauren, Micky, Erik, and I

All of us getting baptized in KC

He had a plan. I got to college with all the wide-eyed excitement and nervousness of a freshman. And there was this group that I really wanted to join. No, not a sailing club, as so many have thought😄 It was called Navigators. And they were having a meeting at this dude’s house to kick off the year. It was only a mile and a half away, so I walked since I didn’t have a car. There were all these people there, so I tried to be friendly. And since it was a barbecue, we all went to get the food off the grill, and my mouth dropped. The hot dogs were bright pink! Maine was a weird state, I thought to myself, as one of the girls (Rikki) drove me back. From there, I started going to the weekly Nav nights, starting to get acquainted with everyone and figure out what this thing was all about.

And then, one day at Soups On which we used to do at that Nav dude’s (Rus Willette) house, this chick walked in. Her name was Haley. And my first thought was, “I wonder if she’s a student.” She, in fact, was not though she sure looked it, and struck up a conversation with me. And when Navs was over that night, she put her number in my phone and took this picture for the contact, and so whenever she gave me a call, this would and still does pop up.

And then we started meeting together in between classes. And this girl named Bethlehem with a wicked pixie cut started a bible study 2 floors below me in my dorm. And then I found out that my RA who lived right next door to me was a christian and went to the other christian group on campus. And things kept happening, and I got to know more and more people as I joined other clubs. And slowly, those long weekends and free afternoons started filling up, and I was so happy. Breakthrough was happening for me spiritually. I still called Ginny sometimes, because I didn’t realize that I could trust Haley yet. It wasn’t until the end of that year that I realized that Haley was “discipling”, and that in fact it was actually her job to do so as I plain just didn’t know my prayers had come to fruition. (She was by no means, however, the only person who poured into me over these years-there are so many others:) We went to Tennessee on a missions trip, and did the first ever women’s weekend at USM, a tradition I can only pray will continue, in Haley’s family cabin shack in the middle of nowhere, ME with 10 girls, no toilet, and no heat in frigid, snowy, April weather. I couldn’t be happier. Little did I know what was in store for me that summer.

One night, I was at a potato party (Maine, am I right?) with Gabrielle, that RA who lived right next door to me. We didn’t know each other, so I asked her what she did over the summer. She told me she worked at this christian horse ranch in Colorado. And I was like, “those exist?” Never having been to anywhere that was so different from suburban New York, I was intrigued. She showed me pictures, and my jaw dropped. I said to her, “I have to apply here.” And she said go for it, I’ll give you a reference!

Rebecca, Gabrielle, Cheryl, Sarah, and I

Fast forward to my interview. I put down housekeeping, wait staff, etc. for jobs I wanted to do there. They had a position for a videographer/photographer, but I didn’t list it because I for sure wasn’t qualified enough to do it. But Larry who interviewed me saw that I had listed photography under skills in part of the application and asked me about it. I assured him while though I had experience with photography (I was actually very involved in high school) I didn’t know the first thing about videography. And he said in his Larry way, “Oh, don’t worry about that-I’m sure we’d be able to train you up and you’ll be able to figure it out!” So a couple months after that, I got the call that Wind River Ranch wanted to hire me as their videographer. What!?

So I accepted, and before I knew it my dad was throwing my suitcase out of the car at LaGuardia airport and I was on a plane to Colorado where I didn’t know a single soul, about to work a job I had no experience in on a ranch in the mountains for 3 months. A whole new world of swing dancing, cowboy hats, and animal husbandry where I discovered that I loved it all. It was here that the journey to EDGE started to really punch me in the face. I wish I could tell you all of the God things, godly people, amazing stories, and overall mission of Wind River, I’ll have to limit it to this one story about me.

I never ever want to forget every name in this picture.

In week 5 of that summer, there were many families with older teenagers. I was usually always behind the camera, so although I had normal interactions with guests, I was not usually the one making one on one relationships with them. But for some reason, that week was different. So from here, I want to transcribe a journal entry from the night my life decided to go in a completely different direction, dated 6/27/17. I’ve added brackets for clarification in some places.

“I never felt called to ministry until an hour ago. During Here I Am to Worship, God spoke to me [in an audible, spoken voice right next to me] and said, “Don’t be scared, but I want you on EDGE corps.” And my immediate response was “Agh, I’m scared!” and continues to be so. But He told me I want you to work with young women, and to go do EDGE corps. How do I even process this!? I have been so convinced I’m gonna get a job in my major and serve God that way. And I know that can always wait for me after 2 years of EDGE. And then there are the [my] parents… Here [the ranch] is one thing. EDGE is another. And we’ll see about that. Honestly, if I spin it right, maybe they won’t be so off board about it. I need to pray, and it’s still a long way off, but let this entry be a reminder that I have heard God’s voice telling me to GO! The other day I asked God to not stop growing me, etc. Be careful what you pray for I guess! Two of the young ladies sitting with me at staff worship inspired me, and one of them started crying next to me. And do you know what God said again to me then? “Training begins now.” So I prayed for them, and it was wild. God, give me wisdom, discernment, and a spirit of fearlessness!

(left to right) Paige, Katie, Karly, and Karis. Not pictured Karly’s brothers Blair and Cameron (they’re triplets!), Karis’s brothers, Paige’s sister, and Katie’s sister, and more. It was quite the crew of teenagers.

A long way off indeed, as I write this post 3 years later and laugh. How could I forget those kids, now all young adults in college, my goodness! The Pedersen, Jeup, Wolford, and Stull families really have no idea how much their kids impacted me that summer. Thank you for bringing your children to Wind River. God didn’t have to use anything but their presences to change my life. As mentioned in the entry, I never felt called to ministry and thought I would get a job in environmental science (my major) after college, just like the rest of the world does when they graduate. Those people who do actual ministry, I truly never thought that was for me. But yet, here we are.

So now after that crazy summer I headed back to Maine for my second year of college. Sophomore year came with so many changes. New meeting room, and almost a complete turnover and the start of a new generation of Navigators. I was pushed by Haley to start discipling, and even though I had this amazing call, I didn’t really know where to begin. All I knew is that people were expecting things from me, and I didn’t want to let them down. So I started very clumsily discipling a girl, went to Uganda (totally out of my comfort zone), and had many other antics and up’s and down’s that year. A return to the ranch for a second summer, and now junior year begins.

That discipleship relationship came to a close, I started a new one, and I started to understand just how hard college ministry was. Haley was going on maternity leave, and the pressure I felt tripled on my shoulders. If I were to describe the vibe of USM Navs in one word, it would be “noncomitted”, which is a really hard thing for a do-er like me. At this low point in junior year, I was for sure disenchanted with the call God put on my heart, and even into senior year that continued.

Winter Conference 2019

Well, little did I know how senior year would end up turning out. Once again, that discipleship relationship came to a close at the beginning of the second semester (with more peace in my heart this time around after going through how hard that is already) and a new ones continue to flourish. I applied to EDGE as soon as the application was opened, got hired in early February 2020, and then entered the longest waiting period of my life. I was hired with no place to go. And then my second and last semester of senior year got cancelled, and I was still left waiting for that placement drowning in a sea of disappointment-of all the goodbyes that would not happen, the final things we still had to do at USM, the people still left to reach! But yesterday, while on my break at Hanny’s, I got a call from Benny C and that prayer for discipleship I prayed in my childhood bedroom before college, and those words God whispered in my ear 3 years ago at Wind River are once again developing me into who He wants me to be…

So after ALL of that (thanks for bearing with me) I can now tell you that for the next 2 years I’m going to be working for the Navigators at University of Massachusetts Amherst. You can’t read this story and tell me God doesn’t weave plans for our lives that we can’t even dream of. What EDGE comes down to for me is a hope that there is a girl (or five) about to leave for college, scared out of her wits that stepping into the world alone for the first time will upheave her relationship with Jesus, but that I will get the absolute honor to help her try to understand what this thing called life is all about. To give back what was given to me. And first and foremost, always point to God, being no more than a vessel for His goodness, a helper, and a friend.

I don’t have any details about what I will be doing, where I’ll be living, or really anything to give you right now. Goodbyes here in Maine are going to be really hard, but the time I have left staying for the summer will ease that blow. All I know is that come August, I will once again pack my things and move to a place where I don’t know a soul. But if this story doesn’t convince you that God takes care of what He calls us to, I don’t know what will.

Even though I couldn’t mention everyone whose helped me along the way, if you’re reading this, you have! Thank you for your support, I truly couldn’t have done it without all the friends who came alongside me and cheered me on, whether in Maine, NY, Colorado, and all over. Don’t be surprised when you hear from me this summer, asking if you want to continue doing so by supporting me in prayer and/or financially. 😉 Thank you thank you THANK YOU for being a part of this story. I can’t wait to see how it continues to unfold. If the past four years are any indication of this wild ride of a life God has given me, I can’t wait to see what’s next.

~J

“Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, until I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.”-Psalm 71:18

So disregard everything I said at the end of the last post, because life decided to be cancelled for an indefinite period of time now. Is this going to be a blog about the current events right now? Absolutely not. Things have just changed for me so rapidly I probably should give some updates.

So my last semester of college basically got cancelled. Everything from senior week to capstone presentations to the research symposium I was going to present at and almost surely, graduation. Everything Navs related got cancelled (or “rescheduled” if you’re being optimistic) like women’s weekend, our talent show, weekly meetings, and senior night.

I’m taking it super well, as you can imagine, all those things along with being a raging extrovert. It’s fine.

It’s fine.

It’s fine.

It’s fine,

Everything is fine.

Why should I be allowed to feel disappointment? Every time I’ve mentioned being frustrated to anyone, the only response I’ve gotten back is a very veiled or ill intended “buck up”. Unexpectedly, the only (and I think I unfortunately do mean only) person who immediately met me with sympathy first was Kristin Ciampa. So forget feeling those feels.

And I know it is wrong to hold on to earthly things, so I’m just trying to not cry at the thought of not getting to ceremonially graduate with my lovely environmental science friends. God is allowed to do whatever he wants, so I shouldn’t feel sad about missing all of those things and should shut up and watch TV like everybody else is.

Right?? I’m just not sure.

Anyway, rant over. Please don’t ask me how I really feel because I might just light into it and it will be an hour before I let you off the phone. The way I really feel is almost never allowed to come out because it is so un-christian and I should be better than that.

In all the craziness, one roommate moved home and another is stuck in North Caroline from athletics competition, and I was asked to move out of my apartment. Yikes. So desperately I applied to stay on campus (was not ready to move home to Florida for 2+ months) and did get accepted, but when the call came that I was to move to a single room in Philippi, I knew I couldn’t do it. Not only are they the exact dimensions of a prison cell (probably), I would have to buy a meal plan or eat microwavable food for like, a month. Double yikes, and was not willing to do that. So after all the initial angry prayers, desperate prayers, and details, the Doyon family let me move into their extra room/semi apartment-ish immediately and for the summer.

Woah!

I cannot tell you how good my back feels after just one night of not being on a dorm mattress. Their place always smells like cookies and is immaculately clean, and I just finished moving and getting everything I needed today. It’s like a breath of fresh air, living here. The Doyons are being so incredibly generous, and I do think I can call them my very first supporters for all that they’ve done.

This past year in the dorms physically was rough. It’s been pretty jarring living here after coming home (and I promise you, none of this is exaggerated at all) to goat bones on the floor, loud music until all hours of the morning, and awful cooking smells not even a whole can of febreeze and four lighted candles could cut through. It was incredibly embarrassing when company would come over and see the state of the room no matter how many times I would clean, it would go right back to what it was. Again, I never wanted to complain, because that is un-christian, and didn’t really admit to myself that it was getting to me. I should be content with wherever I am, even if that place smells and makes me want to puke 60% of the time. But here, I actually feel like I can come out of my room and be in the space. I know that sounds silly, but it’s true.

The move is really the only thing worth updating. So far, I’m reading a lot, doing a puzzle, and waiting for the day I can go out in public again. I hope it’s soon. Hopefully we can expect a post about my EDGE placement for the next two years. Still waiting on Benny C.

~J

Can you believe this past weekend was the last Navs conference I will ever attend as a student? Me either. This makes conference #8, as I have been blessed to attend each fall and winter conference since I was a baby freshman here at USM. Now, I’ve arrived to some of them half dead and barely a person, but got there none the less. I don’t really have much to report on about this one, but felt obligated to make a post anyway ’cause its kinda tradition at this point.

After having a lovely breakfast of cinnamon rolls with Emma on Friday morning, it was time to get locked and loaded and head down to Southbridge, MA. I did get to fulfill a dream of mine since freshman year, and that was being the student MC for the conference. All it took were 2 quick emails, and I was booked along with Misa from NYU. I arrived to the pre-session meeting on Friday night very intimidated to be standing with all the Northeast staff, including powerhouses such as SIT Sarah Esselborn at NYU Tandon, worship goddess Serene Shake from BU, and the big man himself-Regional Director Ben Courtemanche. Talk about standing among giants. I was nervous, but it helped that Misa was with me and that we could joke around with each other. WordPress won’t let me put a video of us in here, but use your imagination based on the pictures below. A fun fact that I was excited to learn is that Misa and I are in the same EDGE class! So that means when I go out to Colorado in 72.5 days (who’s counting?) I will already know someone there! And Misa is quite a someone to know, with his easygoing, friendly personality and bubbling energy.

Who thought giving us mikes was a good idea??

The last session!

Me up there solo!

In terms of content, this was one of my favorite conferences. Every workshop I went to was spot on, and our speaker Alice did amazing. I haven’t really processed through everything, but took away some great nuggets. Alice’s story was so relatable, and she did a great job of connecting with an audience of college students, which is a lot harder than you would think the older you get.

We ate the whole tube.

Notorious Noah and Danger Dan

Some USM folks

See if you can spot any familiar names on this poster from 2018!

Our speaker Alice

Time for a USM selfie

One of my highlights from the weekend was getting hang out with Hannah Chase from MMA. One of two girls from the school there this weekend, she is such a down to earth person. She is also president of their Navs chapter, and is doing her best in leading a wild group of boys from MMA! Hannah, I do not envy your job, but admire your courage to stay strong for Jesus at MMA. Y’all have no idea how badly I want to be placed there for EDGE. Alas, some decisions (OK, let’s be honest, all decisions) are out of my control. We did a quiet time together, and we prayed for our students together later on Saturday night, that they could learn boundaries and how to act honorably with each other. It’s a big prayer, friends. Keep praying! I wonder what next year will be like as a staff member…

One of our games Sat night

Still wrapped in toilet paper…

Alice PREACHING to these women!

The conference banner that we sign every year. This is my favorite tradition that we do!

Cookie game Sat night

The majestic Craig Parker in his natural state-a quiet time.

Other than that, it’s been slammed back here in Maine. Schoolwork, planning for spring break, women’s weekend looming in the distance, and I haven’t even thought about graduation (in 70 days, but like I said who’s counting). Wish me luck friends! I still haven’t recovered chore wise from being gone, and I have a lot to do before I breathe again. I’m still waiting on good ol’ Benny C to get back to me about my EDGE placement. I feel like I can’t wait any long, but of course, I will have to. I wonder what this conference will be like next year once I’m officially on staff.

On a different note-In response to what I was talking about in the last blog, in a moment of lucidity I decided in the most anti-Jenna fashion to sign myself up for counseling through the school. They offer it for free basically, so I figured it would be good for me. Other than not being used to talking about myself for that long, I thought it was great, and am actually excited to go back again next week. Praise God, Jenna finally got herself back in therapy!

Hope you’re all having a good time in the cat days of winter, I guess you could call it, opposite of the dog days of summer. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for some spring so I can be one with the trees again! Praying all your endeavors are proving fruitful. I hope mine are.

~J

“I love how we’ve only known each other for an hour, but we’re already best friends.”-Misa

So let me tell you about one of the worst days of my life. Intermingled into this post will be pictures of some very handsome creatures to make myself feel better. I hope they keep the overall vibe of this post uplifting instead of negative, even though I am sad.

This is a freakin pangolin and I would like one please!

This past Thursday, which ended up as you know being horrible weather, I woke up and felt no excitement or joy for anything that was upcoming in my life. Even the things that I do for fun, like martial arts or learning guitar. Much less work or school. Tonight I was even supposed to go on the very first date of my life, and did not feel any giddiness or excitement. Only a lack or hole of happiness for things I know I should be happy for. And it wasn’t just Thursday-Ive been feeling like this for a while. So this is the mindset I have been in to frame the rest of this day for you. 

I have been (sometimes happily, other times frustratedly) single since my junior year of high school, so I was uber expectant for what this date was going to bring. Our plan was to go out for a drink at a soda/regular bar in Portland and then go to the Eastpoint worship night. Alas, it all started to fall apart when my snail picture fell off the wall. 

I don’t, as a rule, believe in signs or mysticism or anything like that. However, I do believe in omens and that God warns us of things ahead of time. I have really good instincts (not that I follow them a lot) and am always preparing myself for the “worst case scenario”. I woke up super early that morning to take a shower and my roommate was going to do my makeup for the day. Out of nowhere, while both of us were in the room early in the morning just waking up, my beautiful snail picture taken by the lovely Jen Sawtelle (hi Jen) falls off the wall. My roommate and I like to joke that we have a ghost in our room that eats our cheese and knocks our stuff over. Now, I don’t believe in ghosts either, but someone or something at one point definitely depleted both my roommates and I’s bags of mozzarella cheese.

This is a dumbo octopus.

Taken right before school started this past summer

Taken on Thursday!

So as I am in my car about to leave, I get another feeling. So right before I pull out of USM, I checked the page and sure enough, the worship night gets cancelled too. After swearing loudly in my car, I called my roommate, and she swung back and picked me up to now carpool. So now you are probably at the point where you’re thinking, “this can’t possible get worse…”

This is the Fischer Cat-an american mustelid. Pretty cool!

Well, you’re wrong. On our way out of Gorham, I got an email from the journal I had submitted a paper to for publication. I spent SO many hours of my own time (because this was not for any one class) last semester writing a literature review about Maine state parks in hopes that once I submitted it, it would get published in this undergrad journal. My professor endorsed this project and thought I had a good chance. I was so proud of what I had written and wanted everybody I knew to read it. I did not, in fact, get published and the paper was rejected. So at this point, I start crying, and then my roommate gets pulled over by the cops for “going too fast”. She, thank God, only got a warning, and now I start crying even more because my bad ju-ju has now started to rub off on her. We get to Plato’s all excited to shop, and of course, because why not, they are closed because of the weather.

So instead, we went to TJ Max where my luck turned around a little bit and I found this awesome jumpsuit (coming to a semi-formal event near you), and we went home where I fell into bed after one of the worst days of my life. However…

I’m still alive and I have that to be grateful for. All throughout the day, I said to myself, “It can’t possibly get worse.” And I was wrong, ’cause it did. But now, a couple of days out from it, I’m sure it can only go up from here. Sometimes you have a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day, as one of my favorite childhood books would put it. And I will get over it eventually.

Rawr!

So at the end of that sad story I am left here and now just…tired. I don’t even want to show people my paper anymore or present it at the undergrad presentations in April because I’m so embarrassed. I’m feeling hopeless about my love life (I guess there are worse things to feel hopeless about), especially moving into a season of EDGE.

…

Something I have been wrestling with recently is the verse “count others more important than yourself” has been haunting me for years. I am so tired of being a busybody, of being too encumbered to enjoy what I am working so hard for. But I don’t know how to STOP! I think its getting pretty bad-I had a friend pray for me while over at her apartment, and I felt myself and my body just flat out reject it. That happened because I didn’t feel worthy of her prayers, or worth hers but mostly God’s time. I had this thought, and found it incredibly funny-It’s not that I have low self-esteem, its that I have absolutely NO self esteem! Which, in turn, reminded me of one of my favorite statements that I believe with my whole heart which I would encourage you to mull on-

“All anybody ever wants out of life is to be treated with respect. But in order to be treated with respect, you have to be able to give it. In order to give it, you have to have it for yourself first and foremost. Otherwise you don’t have the gift to share.” -Kathy Buckley

I’m making my best effort to work on it. The first step is making the time to work through my shit, just me and God, which is harder than it sounds when all I’ve ever thought is that it is selfish to pray for and work on yourself when you could be using that time to help others.

I should know better by now, after being a christian for so many years, but I’m learning the difference between just knowing something and believing it with no doubt.

~J

Majestic creatures