Greetings once again from Maine smack dab in the middle of winter!

I really can’t believe this was my third winter conference. I said to all the newbies that came with us this year that I was a veteran at this point. And the scariest thing about that bold statement was that I think it’s really true!

All kidding aside, we had a fantastic weekend. However, anyone at the conference could tell you that something about me was off. Hmmmm…was it the new hair? No, different shirt, maybe something with your voice, Jenna?

I was sick for all of conference. I lost my voice before we even got to Southbridge.

The Thursday before we left was a ROUGH day. I went not only to both my classes, but also work while running a fever and sick with a cold with a million things to do before I could metaphysically get in my car and leave for conference. It was not fun, and as I have been very slowly weening and coughing off the cold this week, I looked back and realized that Thursday was the worst day of the whole thing by far. All I wanted to do was be in my bed so far away from humanity, but like I said-I had to get through a million things before that could be a reality.

Although I knew very clearly that this was a sign from God telling me to SLOW DOWN, I was determined not to let it impact my weekend, and I like to think I kept a relatively positive attitude about the whole thing while we were there. I would be kind of nauseous early in the morning until we ate breakfast, so instead of doing devotionals all I could do was sit and talk with people and try not to throw up. I could barely talk, and when I did, it was in a hoarse, cracking whisper. Forget about singing during worship. This was the saddest part for me. I just wanted to worship my little heart out, but for some reason, God kept me silent this weekend.

I know I’ve shared this photo on here before, but I love the moment it captures. This was my first winter conference in 2017, and on Saturday night my stomach started to hurt, so Haley told me to lie on the ground with my knees up to my chest. I did it, but she also did it with me so I wouldn’t feel so weird (talk about getting down to my level!) And we looked at each other and started cracking up at how crazy we both were/are. I don’t remember who snapped the photo, but am so thankful for it.

The conference itself was a blur, and went by all too fast. From big sessions to workshops to little things such as what I like to call Nav Soup Time, or for all my Navigators out there who want the TLA-NST. Haha! This is the part of the time on Saturday where we all sit in the hotel’s hot tub and just relax for a few minutes and talk to each other. And it’s like soup cause were all in there and the water’s really hot….well, you get the idea!

Some personal highlights for me? Hey, thanks for asking!

1.Honestly, number one would probably be me getting to do Navs Jeopardy on Saturday night in front of EVERYONE. I love being in front of people, and don’t get that many opportunities now that I’ve stopped theater; so it was really fun to do that. I got not only the question asking to recite Galatians 2:20 (which I have memorized and I think I impressed people!) Side note: an amazing girl names Zella from NYU recognized me as ‘Galatians 2:20 girl’ on Sunday when I went up to talk to her. I fangirl-ed so hard! But I also got the question asking which Northeast Nav staff raises pigs on the side! It is none other than our very own Rus Willette, whose pigs I have met and possibly eaten? What are the odds that someone from southern Maine would get that questions!? Everybody, especially those from USM, were laughing so hard at this game-thanks Peter Antonucci!

2.  Getting to see people from the other campuses is always a highlight, but getting to reconnect with Paula was awesome. Her and I played hooky during the class sessions and found a quiet corner to talk and catch up. She shared her heart with me, and I got to tell her some of my dreams that I haven’t gotten the opportunity to share with anybody yet! Much needed break time and loved getting that one-on-one with her.

3.We took a lot of first-timers from southern Maine this year, for both winter conference and to Nav conferences in general. It was fun seeing them get to experience for the first time, and had my friend Bretteney and I looking back on our first experiences 2 years ago here. It was very meta to say the least.

Some rad kids from MMA, with Pat in the center who had to take this selfie three times before it was somewhat useable

Part of the gaggle of southern maine girls, caught in a moment of laughter of surprise.

Worship was fantastic as always. Doesn’t seem like a lot of people, though, until you look at the next picture…

Over 250 students were at this conference!

Paula (mentioned above) with the ever loving and gorgeous Abby Lord

So we’re powering through the rest of the semester academically, getting ready for a wedding in Louisiana, and overall just trying not to cough up a lung!
Please continue to pray for….

1. My alongsider-ship relationships with other girls to continue to grow and flourish throughout the semester. (I promise I will make a blog post soon about why I don’t really use the word discipling at least for right now! The distinction is coming soon, I promise!!!) Pray that they will grow and not regress in this community.
2. The many girls God has connected me with this semester that don’t know Jesus yet or are on the fence about Him. There are so many that He has placed in my path, I know it is no coincidence. Pray for boldness and direction for me and open hearts for them. Also pray for the healing from deep trauma that only Jesus can bring into some of these girl’s hearts.
3. Overall for a semester of growth, rejuvenation, and fun! I don’t know about you, but I feel like I haven’t had some good clean fun in a while. Hmmmmm, we’ll need to fix that soon…
4. All of our staff who just had babies-look how cute they are! Little Willow and Emmett.

Here is my charge until next time-Go and do something FUN. Have it be YOUR time, and if you want to invite other people along with you, that’s fine too. Just go do something you love for at least 2 hours or something. Don’t get caught up with the depression of winter, but actively do things to help your body and mind and spirit stay good!

See y’all soon.

~J

Maybe, I am an ox. I work too hard, I work way too hard. So big, and bulky, and ugly, who could call such an animal their favorite? So ugly. They’re beasts of burden, you know. Meant to do the job that you can’t, and can shoulder around 6,000 pounds. Shoulder muscles that churn under immense pressure, and when I look down at myself in the shower, I can’t help but always compare my legs to those of a horse or an ox. Bruised knees and too much muscle, even a big scar from a bloody plow-I swear I carry 6,000 pounds every day. They were domesticated over 10,000 years ago by some of the first civilizations on earth. But I think they forgot to tame me.

Maybe, I am a hummingbird. I am drawn to boldness, and sweetness, and it will be my unravelling. Falling head over heels over wings for shiny skin. And confidence that drips like nectar. Hummingbirds are so light, I’m surprised they even exist at all. If it is so light, and you could blow it out of your hands with one breath; what’s to stop you from doing the same to me? They’re too hyperactive to make friends. They just make enemies. Oh, if you could only see inside my heart that I swear beats a thousand times a minute. It feels so much all at once. People tell me it’s an endearing thing, and I think to myself Now I’m almost sure they have never felt anything like this before. If they had, they would simply cry with me and say nothing at all. 

Maybe, I am a lion. Lionesses really are savage creatures if you’ve ever seen a picture of them with blood all over their snouts. In heat, they’re wild, and so I am. But I wear a smile that says, It’s all good. When in reality, just like a lion in heat, my insides are churning, bloody and wild, and there is nothing anyone can do to change any of it, I am sure.

Maybe, I am a fox. Foxes have such bad reputations, and I wonder what they ever did to deserve such a rap. Sometimes people see my face and they think easy. I never meant to turn suspicious and sly like apples turn sour, but spend enough time being pelted by sticks on the nose, being chased away, and it’s no wonder the whole of it hasn’t just fallen to pieces yet. Aren’t we all just trying to survive? Foxes have to eat. Where did we get off thinking our rights were so much more important than any other starving bellies in the world just because we’re human? Foxes are still paying for the sin that is them simply being alive, and I swear every night, I am too-tossing and turning under painfully silken skin itching with the knowledge that I don’t deserve anything at all.

I could compare myself to a thousand animals, but maybe it’s just because I’m too scared of my own humanity that I won’t. How, so like the ox, I like to tear up the ground I walk on and leave it all cracked and broken behind. How, so like the hummingbird, my heart is one beat away from bursting like a balloon. How, so like the lion, I can let no one tell me stop! once I’ve tasted blood. How, like the fox, it wasn’t one person but years of seeing my own kind be killed for their softness that turned me stone-faced to sob stories.

Who can love these things? All these shortcomings. How do you embrace the roughness, the hyperactive, the blood dripping from my chin, the callousness of it all?! Tell me. I’m looking for my humanity in the wrong places, trying to make sense of something I should  have never gone looking for in the first place.

~J

This piece was inspired by Sierra DeMulder’s poem “I Have Mistaken Myself”