It has been a while, my friends! Unfortunately, the dreaded week of exams has come upon me, and I was left with no free time to sit down and write a post. I hate to say it, but these last two weeks really kicked my butt all over the room. However, the last week of classes has passed, and all my projects are finished and almost all of them are turned in. Now, only two final exams and I’m officially more than halfway done with my college career!

Except…one of those tests is the organic chemistry final. Please keep me in your prayers.

The past two weeks have been comprised of saying goodbye to my friends here. I hate that I have to leave for break and miss so much while I’m gone. Staying in touch over the holidays is extra super duper hard. So it is not goodbye forever, but more of a see-you-in-a-month-think-of-me-every-now-and-then type of parting. If you can believe it, two of our Navs staff will be welcoming babies into the world by the time we start the second semester! WOAH!!!

C.P. rocking the crutch teaching at our last Nav night.

My large, loving, and dysfunctional family.

Ok, next…The psychosis of finals week finally cracked on this LONG Saturday. So I kinda went to get my cartilage pierced. I was very productive and finished up a project in the morning, then my friend Beth and I went to Portland in the afternoon and gave it a go! I’ve been wanting to do it for a while now, and today was the perfect opportunity because the place we got them was having a special discount for cartilage piercings! SCORE! It hurts a little if it gets bumped, but I didn’t even come close to fainting, crying, or puking while they shoved a needle in my ear. I didn’t even flinch! I absolutely love it, and am going to wait to see who in my family notices first when I go down in a week.

Yea, I’m pretty cool.

So the semester is wrapping up my friends. I wait with expectant hope that these finals will be over and passed with flying colors, that I will have a restful time of break catching up with my friends from all over the South (still waiting on your call Alex!) and that I will be reading a lot of books and playing the violin on the roof of my parents house.

I charge you in this season of commercialism and business to take a deep breath of air (whether the cold, sharp and thin air of Maine, or the hot and saturated air of those weird places in America that don’t have all four seasons) into your lungs and just be still. May the Lord, mighty God, bless and and keep you forever. Grant you peace, perfect peace, and courage in every endeavor. Lift up your eyes, see His face, and trust His grace forever. May the Lord, mighty God, bless and keep you forever.

May forgiveness and expectant hearts be with you all this holiday season.

~J

P.S. You’re going to want to stick around for these next few weeks of posting. I’m going to be doing something a little different with the posts I write while I am home for the holiday in Florida 😉

Oh, it’s been a while! I’ve missed this blog so much, but with the holidays comes traveling (and a general lack of motivation). How was your thanksgiving? I know one thing I was thankful for was not eating cafeteria food for a little bit!

This Saturday I got to see my dear friend Molly Joy perform at Roots Cafe in Westbrook. Her 18-song set was all original, amazingly inspirational, and had me tearing up at points. The venue was cozy, and she got to perform for her close friends and family. Something so unique and special to me about MJ’s music is that when she sings with her guitar, my mind goes quiet.

Guys, you know me. Do you think I get to experience that often, if at all???

The wheels stop spinning. All my worst case scenarios quiet, if only for a little bit. I never get to experience this type of stillness in my head except when she sings. It calms me down like nothing can. All of her songs are so raw and real that I thought (famously, as I always do) “I could/should do that…”

If she can be real in front of an audience, then so can I. If she claims, so boldly in music with her FIRE voice I might add, that she is washed by the sea in calmness and serenity and is singing her life as an offering, well my friends…

So will I. 

Featured below is one of the few short stories I’ve written. Poetry is more my speed, but every once and a while God will wheedle one out of me. I wrote this during my first summer at Wind River. I hope it speaks to you. It is a story of denying temptation and killing the beast, the wild woman that lives inside me.

…

Recovery

I sit in a room with 4 walls and no door. There is a high window that shines light in a tiny square on the floor. My only company is a hungry chained beast who hates the light and lives in the shadows.

Every night when the light fades from my room, the beast grows hungry and demands to be fed. He growls and pulls me close to him so that his claws rest on my belly. I have a choice, I always have a choice. Almost every time, I go to the locked drawer and get him his food. While he eats, I am safe. When I feed the beast in the night, I am satisfied. But when the light comes in through my window in the morning, I see the horrors of what I’ve done. I hate the nighttime.

This beast and I, we’ve fallen into a routine. He will make me feel good if I continue to feed him. So I do. But one morning, I hear a voice from the window say, “Stop, child. Do not feed the monster anymore. If you can stop, I will bring you out of your dark room and into the light of the wilderness.” The monster is hiding in the corner. He hates the light and snarls at the voice.

I decide to listen to the voice. I stop feeding the beast on that sundown. It is a hard night, but he is so fat, the worst has not yet come. When the light breaks in, the torment begins and lasts almost all day. The beast snarls and tempts me from the darkness and I cover my head with my hands and try to think of anything else. Another night is falling and the beast is getting hungrier.

Night after night, I fight the beast. I scream, “If I could only beg the darkness out of me, then it would pity me and relent!” as I claw my chest and toss and turn and wrestle and cry every night. But I do not quiver. I do not quiver. On the hard nights, I look over to the drawer and am so tempted to feed him. I’ve fed him for so long, and he has grown fat, and now I deal with the pain of starving this sinful monster until he is no more. In the day time, I sit in the square of light and try to be comforted…

The beast is emaciated now, and he whimpers in the corner. This is the hardest part, to hear his pitiful cries. See, I hate to admit it, but I still don’t want to see him go. He made me feel so good in the night. But he must starve, and he must die. One night, he breathes his last breath and in the morning, all that is left are the chains that once held him. The chains that once held me. All of a sudden, the fourth wall begins to shatter and crack, filling my room with so much light my eyes burn. I hear a voice say, “Come.” I leave my prison behind and step into this world where there is no darkness to hide in anymore.

…

God is the light that will bring His children home. I pray you have a friend like Molly Joy who can give you peace in your head, and a God who will always supply you with peace in your soul-a blessed assurance that will lead us heavenward.

~J

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of all my sin.”- Psalm 32:3-5